White Ribbon Day: A day I wish we didn’t need

He doesn't have to hit you for it to be abuse. He can degrade, humiliate, blame, curse, manipulate, or try to control you. Its still Domestic Violence. (unknown)

November 25^th is White Ribbon Day. It’s a day where people band together in support of the abolition of violence against women and, in particular, domestic violence. It’s a day for men to stand up, loud and proud, and say they would never hit a woman. It’s also a day for women to say they refuse to be the victim. But domestic violence isn’t just about the physical threat. Domestic abuse can come in all forms.

"Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will make me go in a corner and cry by myself for hours." (Eric Idle)

 

The idea that it’s not damaging if it’s not physical is a very old one. Quite often the emotional scars are the last to heal but they are somehow downgraded, much as the schoolyard bullies snide remarks are brushed aside. How a woman values herself is instrumental to the family dynamic and if she sees herself as worthless, incapable or a non-entity because that is all she has ever been told then that is how other people will come to see her and that is how she will behave.

If the numbers we see in domestic violence were applied to terrorism or gang violence, the entire country would be up in arms, and it would be the lead story on the news every night. (Mark Green)

 

The statistics are frightening. For the full survey, head to:

University of New South Wales "Domestic Violence Statistics"

 

• 23% of women who had ever been married or in a de-facto relationship, experienced violence by a partner at some time during the relationship.
• Half of women experiencing violence by their current partner experienced more than one incident of violence.
• 12% of women who reported violence by their current partner at some stage during the relationship, said they were currently living in fear.

 
Women often stay in abuse relationships. The excuses they give are many and varied. I use the term “excuses” quite deliberately. A “reason” implies some sort of rational explanation. There is no rational explanation for staying in an abusive relationship.

Leaving an abusive partner is a very difficult thing to do. It frequently feels like you are failing, or destroying your family, or not trying to work things out, or not giving your partner “a second chance.” It hurts, and it’s scary. (Blaine Nelson)

 

Whether the woman stays for the sake of the children, the lack of belief that she deserves any better, the misguided notion that she can fix her abuser or a hold by religious tenant that demands “til death do us part”, the result, inevitably will be the same. The abuse will continue once the precedent has been set.

But leaving your abusive partner is not the final step. In fact, 35% of women who experienced violence from their partner did so during periods of separation. Leaving is, in actuality, the first step. It is the first step in reclaiming your life, your independence and your self.

There are a number of support services across the world set up with the sole intention of assisting women leaving abusive relationships but before you even get there, your first stop should the local police station. They will document your side of the incident, even if you don’t want to pursue it further (though I strongly suggest you do, especially if it is chronic abuse). They will then direct you to the appropriate organisation to help you in your area. Other professions who are able to help are your local doctor, counsellors, psychologists, mental health departments (going to these doesn’t mean you are crazy or have some illness, they are there to help you deal with the emotional and psychological fallout of the situation) and DOCS (especially if there are children involved).

 

If you are reading this and you are in an abusive relationship, here is my advice: tell someone. More often than not, your close friends and family have already noticed or suspected. They may have even tried to help you previously. If your partner has cut you off from your support network and filled your life with his friends and acquaintances, reach out to those people who knew you before you met your partner, or who you lost contact with while with your partner. You would be surprised at how many would help you, if only they knew what was wrong, or if only you reached out for the help.

You may think that the people you know won’t believe you, there are other (impartial) people you can go to. Most of them I have detailed above. They are people who will not be swayed by your partners public persona, which can often be suave and charming and friendly. They will understand if there is little to no evidence, especially in the cases of emotional abuse. They will provide you with resources and information to not only get you away from your partner but also to help set up your new life.

Remember, you are not the one at fault. You have done nothing wrong. You don’t deserve to be hit because the dishes weren’t done. You don’t deserve a tirade of verbal abuse because you were 5 minutes late. You don’t deserve to be belittled because you have a different opinion about something.

So …

To all the men who have taken the oath this year, and every year, to stand up to violence against women in all its guises, thank you.

To all the women who won’t be victims, be proud.

And …

To all the women, waiting for a sign to get out, it’s not going to be a 20 foot high flashing neon sign, it’s you reading this blog. Take that first step and be proud.

Thanksgiving Australian Style

Ok, so we don’t actually do Thanksgiving in Australia, nor would I want to start another tradition for the commercial sector to ruin, though I do like the idea of occasionally sitting back and thinking (and I mean really thinking) about what you are thankful for.

There’s lots to be thankful for in this life: there’s the big things (like family, friends, a home, a job) and there’s the little things (like the weather being co-operative, a flower blooming or a much wanted item going on sale just when you were about to give up on getting it). What I want to do is take a look at some of the things I am thankful for and why I am thankful for them.

1. I am thankful to be alive.

So many times, especially when I was younger, I thought about not being alive and how I would go about making that happen. I am thankful I never went through with it. I am thankful that I saw the worth in myself that others didn’t see. I am thankful that I survived.

2. I am thankful for my son.

Infuriating though he can sometimes be I am forever thankful that I have him, that he is happy and healthy, and that he is so full of life. I am thankful that I decided to keep him when I could have either terminated or given him up for adoption. I am thankful that, no matter what, I will always be his mother and he will always be my baby, no matter how old he gets,

3. I am thankful for my job.

I may complain bitterly about it at times, may rage at the unfathomable decisions made by the higher ups, may get in trouble for expressing that rage, but, in the end, I do love my job. I am thankful for the people it allows me to meet. I am thankful for the opportunities it presents to me. I am thankful for the colleagues I have. I am thankful for the understanding it provides me when I call in sick or have to take time off to be a mum. I am also thankful for the pay it gives me, that buys my food and lets me take holidays.

4. I am thankful for my friends.

They may live far and wide and get consumed by their own lives at times but they are always a call, a text, an email or a FB message away when I need them. I am thankful that they tell me when I’m being an idiot (even if I don’t always listen) and I am thankful for their support. I am thankful for the diversity they exhibit in their humour, their jobs, their lifestyles, their sexuality and their beliefs.

5. I am thankful for my mother.

Not just because she’s my mother. She’s also my financial planner, my babysitter and my housekeeper. I’m not sure what I will do without her when she eventual steps off this mortal coil, but in the meantime I’m thankful everything she does.

6. I am thankful for the Australian education system.

It may not be the best in the world but I think it’s pretty good. It doesn’t matter how old you are or what your background is, if you want an education you can get one. It has provided me with not only 13 years of extremely inexpensive public education; it has provided me with 6 years of higher education, which I only pay back once my earnings reach a certain level. From these years of education, I have learned not only specific information, such as the equation for the circumference, but general knowledge, such a critical thinking. Without my education I would not be able to write this blog (I’ll leave it to you to decide whether that’s a good thing or not).

7. I am thankful for the freedoms I enjoy.

I live in a society that is relatively free from persecution. There will be closed-minded people, religious zealots, ignorant fools and all manner of other types of people who try to force others into their way of thinking. I am thankful that the State does not, on a whole, sanction their idiocy. I am free to think what I want, to believe what I want, to love who I want, to travel where I want. I am also thankful that those freedoms are being afforded to more and more of my fellow citizens as we move toward a truly equal society based on merit not on misconceptions.

8. I am thankful for today’s technology,

Without having to miss a beat, I can search for anything and everything online, from the mass-produced to the obscure and rare. I can connect with friends and family on the other side of the world instantly. I can store food for days, weeks, months without it going off. I can cook a meal (well, not me personally, other people can) without slaving over the stove all day, unless you really want to.

9. I am thankful for nature.

I am thankful for the birds that sing, the fish that swim, the clouds that float by, the waves that crash, the flowers that bloom, the wind that sighs, the cats that purr, the children that laugh, the rain that falls and the sun that shines. I am thankful for life on earth and my ability to experience it in all its wonders. That life gives me life. Its existence allows for my existence. I am thankful for nature in all its majesty.

10. I am thankful for my readers.

Few though you may be, without you I’d be talking to myself. I have always said I don’t write for anyone for myself and that is true, but it is always nice to know someone is casting a discerning eye over these random meanderings of mine and perhaps taking something from them that is more than a simple understanding of what has been written.

Happy Thanksgiving, America ... and everyone else as well

Just do it yourself ...

I was thinking about what to write for my next blog post the other night and as I was skimming through people's posts on Facebook when I found an article that someone had read about the controversy over a picture an advertising company had used. I won't get into the details for two reasons: one is that I'm still going to write a post about that subject, the other is that the content of the picture or the controversy isn't important. The important thing is what happened next. I asked a certain subset of my Facebook friends to help me out with my post by supplying annectdotes or things they had come across which either supported or refuted my hypothesis. Now the subset I'm talking about isn't huge but they are usually quite a vocal bunch, like to add their two cents worth, so I expected at least a couple to reply. I got nothing. Not a single reply. I will admit, I sometimes ask questions at the wrong time of day and my requests get lost in the multitude of other Facebook posts that fill people's news feeds. I thought I'd done quite well with the timing of this one though. I think if I do ask again I will do it as a personal message and I wasn't all that fussed at not getting any replies. I did make me think if this was a gender thing (as I had asked only males to respond) or if it was a general indication of the lack of inclination to help others. I have always given an opinion or anecdote when asked. It's not that I think my opinion or story is any better than anyone else's, or that everyone should listen to it, I just think I have the right to a voice. Whether anyone is listening is beside the point. That is a lesson I learnt very early ... As a teenager in fact. Back then I was an aspiring poet, wanting my friends to read my work, to give feedback and validation. It didn't happen, of course. I'd ask and they'd feel like I was forcing them to read it so they wouldn't. I didn't really think I was forcing them. I thought I was doing exactly what my other poetically minded friends were doing. The difference was, I forgot it was a popularity contest when you're a teenager. I thought what's good for one is good for all. Sorry, kids, it isn't. If you want people to read your work, give it to an adult. Your friends don't care about your musings. They are too self absorbed, just like you are. So, I was once again transported to my teen angst as a 32 year old, and nothing much had changed. People are still self absorbed and it's still a popularity contest. The only difference between now and then is that I don't care. As a teenager, the rejection I felt was like a knife through my heart. It was the end of my world and my self belief took and almighty tumble. These days, it doesn't bother me. It's a quirk of life that somedays you'll be the bees knees and somedays you're the pigs arse. It's not the end of the world. It doesn't mean you're stupid or your question is invalid. It's just that people are too busy with their own lives to worry about some inconsequential query you may have. The lesson here is, it never hurts to ask for help but don't fly on the answer bing what you want or even for there to be an answer at all. If you want information about something, research it yourself, don't expect other people do your homework for you ... Just do it yourself.

A New Outlook On Life

Friends with Benefits

This subject material may not be suitable for those under the age of 18. Parental Guidance is strongly recommended. It also has nothing to the with the movie of the same name. Sorry if you're disappointed. Please keep reading, though.

I’m no prude. I have no problem with sex. I won’t say I’ve had a lot of partners but I’ve had enough. I won’t say I’ve had many “normal” relationships but I’ve had a few which are probably described as friends with benefits relationships or open relationships.

I think that it depends on the person and the situation as to whether they work or not. If both people are in the same frame of mind then it can work beautifully. If one is only doing it for the other person, or think they should do it because it’s the only way they are going to get laid, or (worst of all) one develops actual romantic feelings for the other then it is doomed to failure.

The first such relationship started out as friends with benefits and turned into an open relationship. When we broke up he thought I would be more upset than I was. Truth was, I like being with him but he wasn’t my soul mate. I had no emotional connection to him beyond being friends. The fact we also slept together didn’t register on that scale. He is now married and has a child of his own, and I am very happy for him.

The second one was supposed to be friends with benefits but we both fell for the other. Finding out that your new friend, who you are developing feelings for, is very married is heartbreaking. I was completely devestated. He was upset at losing me but not enough to want to leave his wife (which is typical). He would have happily kept me on as a mistress if I allowed him to. There were times when I thought that maybe it’s all I deserved to be or would ever be capable of being. For many years after I told him I would no longer see him because he was married he still rang me to ask if I would like to “play”. Eventually I told him to remove my number from his phone and not contact me anymore.

I have also had many an offer of such a relationship and I wonder if it’s that they don’t want a committed relationship with anyone, or it’s just me that they don’t want a relationship with. I guess only time will tell on that point. If, within the next 12 months, they are in a relationship with someone, then it’s probably me. If they never settle down, then it’s them. Usually, it’s me. Usually, they are hanging out for someone better: better looking, better physique, higher intelligence, more sporty.

While I may have been all for a relationship with no commitments in my early 20s, now that I’m in my early 30s I’m looking for something a bit more stable, a bit more mature.  Maybe I just don’t look in the right places for the right guy. Maybe I shouldn’t be looking at all. Maybe I should be waiting for Mr Right to just magically turn up on my doorstep.

Sometimes I think it would be good to have a friends with benefits relationship now. The best of both worlds, so to speak. Except it’s not. It’s half a relationship. And when it breaks down you haven’t just lost a lover, you’ve potentially lost a friend as well. If you don’t mind losing the friendship, one has to wonder why you’d want to sleep with them, unless you’re being highly superficial.

I’ve always had a live and let live approach so if you’re in a friends with benefits relationship or an open relationship and it’s working for you, then good for you. If it’s not working then you need to look closely at why and maybe adjust your priorities.

For me, I have realised I’d rather be single than in a relationship that’s not going anywhere …

The 1000 Word Picture Challenge # 2

The second installment of my 1000 word challenge is brought to you by Paula Eddy of the USA. While she was not fussed with the style, she did provide this awesome picture ...

Do Unicorns exist? Have they ever existsed? Did they ever look like the one in this picture? Will the exist at some point in the future? It's strange, the idea of the unicorn, for the simple face that it's not really all that strange an idea. Horses exist, of that I am certain, having seen one with my own two eyes. Animals with horns exist, they too I have seen (Rhino's and Narwhals to name but two). But never a Unicorn. Alas, not a single one to have ever graced my presence.

One of my favourite quotes is about Unicorns. It comes from the Tom Stoppard play "Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are dead" and it goes as follows:
A man breaking his journey between one place and another at a third place of no name, character, population or significance sees a unicorn cross his path and disappear. That in itself is startling but there are precedents for mystical encounters of various kinds or, to be less extreme, a choice of persuasions to put it down to fancy; unil - "My God," says a second man, "I must be dreaming, I thought I saw a unicorn." At which point a dimension is added that makes the experience as alarming as it will ever be. A third witness, you understand, adds no further dimension but only spreads it thinner, and a fourth thinner still, and the more witnesses there are the thinner it gets and the more reasonable it becomes until it is as thin as reality, the name we give to the common experience ... "Look, look!" recites the crowd. "A horse with an arrow in its forehead! It mustlve been mistaken for a deer." I'm sorry it wasn't a unicorm. It would have been nice to have unicorns. (Guildenstern, "Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead")
This quote epitomises the whole modern need to rationalise that which we do not understand. The unwillingness as a society to step outside the norms is evident in many aspects of alternative cuture. From witchcraft and magic to alien encounters to beasts of legend, the story is the same. We try to find a neat little hole to put the annectdotes in, to make those abberations fit neatly into the grand scheme of things.

There is plenty of literary evidence for Unicorns, from the early Chinese to Greek philosophers to African legends, but what real evidence is there, if any? There are plenty of historic heroes who claim to have seen or even riden the elusive Unicorn. No categorical evidence exists either for or against the Unicorn. There is no reason why it can't exist, perhaps it is just nature's twist of fate that such an animal, which could so easily possibly be real, is neither real or inspired by real animals, save the horse. It's a far more likely target for having existed that, for example, Pegasus. After all the wing span needed to lift the body of a fully grown horse would far exceed that which would be practical for the poor, unfortunate animal. A Unicorn's horn, however, does not pose any logicial or physical problems to its potential existence.

Many medieval merchants who sold "Unicorn Horns" at market stalls and many other places were actually selling Narwhal horns but what if they were really Unicorn horns? What if they existed and poachers caused their extinction? If this were true, of course, there would be DNA evidence to differentiate the Unicorn from the Narwhal. The horn was sold as decoration, charm and magical item.

I think that some of the Medieval "sightings" of Unicorns were highly decorated horses, possibly battle ready. Another theory I have is that the viewer saw knights practicing jousting, their long lance being mistaken for the horn when seen from the side. Of course I have no evidence for either of these theories, I just like the absurd logic to it all.

There were beliefs surrounding the Unicorn regarding it magical properties, usually held within its ho It seern. Some require the horn to be ground up and used as an ingredient, some require the horn to be hollowed out and used as a vessel. Whichever method you so choose to follow, it is highly unlikely that the horn possessed any form of magical properties even if it had actaully existed.

There is a Ukranian legend which asserts that Unicorn existed until the great biblical flood but that the Unicorn had boasted that it would swim instead of boarding the Ark and when the waters receeded the Unicorn was no more. I quite like the idea of Unicorns being real and herds of them roaming through the forests of Europe, much like wild horses. I think that if this were the case there would be many more reported sightings and, these days, much more impirical evidence of their existence.

I have, until now, forcused on the modern visual of the Unicorn (being basically a horse with a horn), yet in Chinese tradition the Unicorn is very different. Called the Quilin, it has the body of a deer, the head of a lion, scales and a long froth-covered horn. This image is far more in keeping with a dragonesque notion of mystical creatures. It is also a far darker image that the friendly picture of the western Unicorn.

The advent of scientific thought has spelled the death-knell for the Unicorn. It has been relegated to that category of mythical beast, with not even the status of the Yeti or Loch Ness Monster. They at least still have people searching for them despite the seemingly equal propostrousness of their existence. It seems no-one is willing to search for this apparently fabled creature when it is equally as likely that it exists, or has existed at some time in the past.

Like Guildenstern, I too think it would be nice to have Unicorns. These days little girls dream of owning horses but imagine if you could own a Unicorn ... wouldn't it be magical?