White Ribbon Day: When does it end?

White Ribbon Day is about raising awareness and combatting violence against women. The work that White Ribbon does, however, is year round. Day after day, month after month, year after year. Given human nature, it's a job that will probably never end.

This is my son. He is 10 years old. He gets it. Hopefully, White Ribbon is an organisation he will never have to call on in his lifetime. At 10 years old, he understands that no-one deserves to be abused, no-one is a possession and no-one has more rights than anyone else.

In the lead up to the 2015 White Ribbon Day, I took the picture above to use in my fundraising drive for White Ribbon. My son agreed, without hesitation. It's not the first time he's had his photo taken showing his support for White Ribbon. The picture below was taken at the beginning of the year.

He wore that ribbon proudly all season. He was excited for people to see that and know he supported not only the cause but the message behind the cause. Next season, no doubt, he will see the White Ribbon sellers and ask to get another, not because it's cool, not because it's the latest fashion, because it's part of who he is - the most gentle, caring, nurturing child you could ever hope to meet.

So, when does it end? I said at the top of this piece that, given human nature, this job of raising awareness of and trying to put a stop to violence against women will never end. There will always be a small minority who think the world owes them everything. As a society, we can never cease in our efforts to protect our citizens from those people.

As individuals we can reduce the need for such organisations. As individuals we can declare that we do not support violence against anyone. As individuals we can be vigilant in making sure we are part of the solution and not part of the problem.

As a society, we can never let this campaign end. So will you be man enough to stand with my 10 year old? Will you take the oath? Will you be part of the solution so that one day, maybe, we can say that this does end.

White Ribbon Day 2014

A year ago, I wrote a piece called White Ribbon Day: A day I wish we didn’t need. It was the 10^th anniversary of the national movement in Australia. I cried writing it, just as I cry every time I re-read it, and just as I will cry writing this one, and will cry re-reading this piece.

You might think that I must have been a victim of domestic violence to be so affected simply writing a blog piece. You might think I must have some personal first hand knowledge to continue to be voice in the dark.

I am not a victim.

I have no first hand knowledge.

I am affected, however. Every single person you know is affected by domestic violence, either directly or indirectly. For those who suffer at the hands of their father, boyfriend, husband, partner or even a total stranger, it is easy to see the affect. For those who know a woman who has been the target of violence, either personally or professionally, the affect can be huge, especially for those working in counselling or health care setting, or who are close friends or relatives of victims.

However, I do not fall into either of those categories, so why am I so affected?

Because the violence against one is the violence against all. We are a society, a community, who must work together to stamp out this insidious act. We are the shopkeepers who see you flinch when someone brushes past you in the aisle. We are the friends who lend you a shoulder on which to cry. We are the boss’ who give you time off to recover from injuries. We are the sports instructors who wait with your children because you’re covering up the latest bruise. We are the teachers who see how broken your family is every time you come in for parent-teacher interviews.

 

There may not be much I can do to stop violence against women on my own; however, many hands make light work. Violence against women does not only affect women. We can do something to stop it if we work together. We cannot judge women who haven’t yet found their way out and we cannot apportion blame to these women for the violence they experience. Women do not ask for it or enjoy it.

There is no stereotypical perpetrator; they can be of any religion, any education level, any sexual orientation, any occupation, any strata of society and any cultural background. Abusers aren’t limited to alcoholics and drug abusers; they can be so-called respectable, contributing members of society.

Likewise, there is no stereotypical woman who suffers from violence, and the number of women who experience some for of violence is not small. In fact, it is large. Scarily large. Depending on the age group, it could be as high as 1 in 3 women. If that statistic alone doesn’t scare you, I don’t know what will.

If the thought of violence against women scares you, take the oath. It doesn't take long. Actually, you can do it right now:

 



If the thought of that not being enough weighs upon you, be proactive: financially support the White Ribbon campaign, volunteer your time or spread the word.

If you are struggling to find a way out of a situation, know someone who is in a violent relationship they can't get out of, or want more information, please check out the following information -

 



Maybe next year, I won't need to write one of these ...

White Ribbon Day: A day I wish we didn’t need

He doesn't have to hit you for it to be abuse. He can degrade, humiliate, blame, curse, manipulate, or try to control you. Its still Domestic Violence. (unknown)

November 25^th is White Ribbon Day. It’s a day where people band together in support of the abolition of violence against women and, in particular, domestic violence. It’s a day for men to stand up, loud and proud, and say they would never hit a woman. It’s also a day for women to say they refuse to be the victim. But domestic violence isn’t just about the physical threat. Domestic abuse can come in all forms.

"Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will make me go in a corner and cry by myself for hours." (Eric Idle)

 

The idea that it’s not damaging if it’s not physical is a very old one. Quite often the emotional scars are the last to heal but they are somehow downgraded, much as the schoolyard bullies snide remarks are brushed aside. How a woman values herself is instrumental to the family dynamic and if she sees herself as worthless, incapable or a non-entity because that is all she has ever been told then that is how other people will come to see her and that is how she will behave.

If the numbers we see in domestic violence were applied to terrorism or gang violence, the entire country would be up in arms, and it would be the lead story on the news every night. (Mark Green)

 

The statistics are frightening. For the full survey, head to:

University of New South Wales "Domestic Violence Statistics"

 

• 23% of women who had ever been married or in a de-facto relationship, experienced violence by a partner at some time during the relationship.
• Half of women experiencing violence by their current partner experienced more than one incident of violence.
• 12% of women who reported violence by their current partner at some stage during the relationship, said they were currently living in fear.

 
Women often stay in abuse relationships. The excuses they give are many and varied. I use the term “excuses” quite deliberately. A “reason” implies some sort of rational explanation. There is no rational explanation for staying in an abusive relationship.

Leaving an abusive partner is a very difficult thing to do. It frequently feels like you are failing, or destroying your family, or not trying to work things out, or not giving your partner “a second chance.” It hurts, and it’s scary. (Blaine Nelson)

 

Whether the woman stays for the sake of the children, the lack of belief that she deserves any better, the misguided notion that she can fix her abuser or a hold by religious tenant that demands “til death do us part”, the result, inevitably will be the same. The abuse will continue once the precedent has been set.

But leaving your abusive partner is not the final step. In fact, 35% of women who experienced violence from their partner did so during periods of separation. Leaving is, in actuality, the first step. It is the first step in reclaiming your life, your independence and your self.

There are a number of support services across the world set up with the sole intention of assisting women leaving abusive relationships but before you even get there, your first stop should the local police station. They will document your side of the incident, even if you don’t want to pursue it further (though I strongly suggest you do, especially if it is chronic abuse). They will then direct you to the appropriate organisation to help you in your area. Other professions who are able to help are your local doctor, counsellors, psychologists, mental health departments (going to these doesn’t mean you are crazy or have some illness, they are there to help you deal with the emotional and psychological fallout of the situation) and DOCS (especially if there are children involved).

 

If you are reading this and you are in an abusive relationship, here is my advice: tell someone. More often than not, your close friends and family have already noticed or suspected. They may have even tried to help you previously. If your partner has cut you off from your support network and filled your life with his friends and acquaintances, reach out to those people who knew you before you met your partner, or who you lost contact with while with your partner. You would be surprised at how many would help you, if only they knew what was wrong, or if only you reached out for the help.

You may think that the people you know won’t believe you, there are other (impartial) people you can go to. Most of them I have detailed above. They are people who will not be swayed by your partners public persona, which can often be suave and charming and friendly. They will understand if there is little to no evidence, especially in the cases of emotional abuse. They will provide you with resources and information to not only get you away from your partner but also to help set up your new life.

Remember, you are not the one at fault. You have done nothing wrong. You don’t deserve to be hit because the dishes weren’t done. You don’t deserve a tirade of verbal abuse because you were 5 minutes late. You don’t deserve to be belittled because you have a different opinion about something.

So …

To all the men who have taken the oath this year, and every year, to stand up to violence against women in all its guises, thank you.

To all the women who won’t be victims, be proud.

And …

To all the women, waiting for a sign to get out, it’s not going to be a 20 foot high flashing neon sign, it’s you reading this blog. Take that first step and be proud.