White Ribbon Day: A day I wish we didn’t need

He doesn't have to hit you for it to be abuse. He can degrade, humiliate, blame, curse, manipulate, or try to control you. Its still Domestic Violence. (unknown)

November 25^th is White Ribbon Day. It’s a day where people band together in support of the abolition of violence against women and, in particular, domestic violence. It’s a day for men to stand up, loud and proud, and say they would never hit a woman. It’s also a day for women to say they refuse to be the victim. But domestic violence isn’t just about the physical threat. Domestic abuse can come in all forms.

"Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will make me go in a corner and cry by myself for hours." (Eric Idle)

 

The idea that it’s not damaging if it’s not physical is a very old one. Quite often the emotional scars are the last to heal but they are somehow downgraded, much as the schoolyard bullies snide remarks are brushed aside. How a woman values herself is instrumental to the family dynamic and if she sees herself as worthless, incapable or a non-entity because that is all she has ever been told then that is how other people will come to see her and that is how she will behave.

If the numbers we see in domestic violence were applied to terrorism or gang violence, the entire country would be up in arms, and it would be the lead story on the news every night. (Mark Green)

 

The statistics are frightening. For the full survey, head to:

University of New South Wales "Domestic Violence Statistics"

 

• 23% of women who had ever been married or in a de-facto relationship, experienced violence by a partner at some time during the relationship.
• Half of women experiencing violence by their current partner experienced more than one incident of violence.
• 12% of women who reported violence by their current partner at some stage during the relationship, said they were currently living in fear.

 
Women often stay in abuse relationships. The excuses they give are many and varied. I use the term “excuses” quite deliberately. A “reason” implies some sort of rational explanation. There is no rational explanation for staying in an abusive relationship.

Leaving an abusive partner is a very difficult thing to do. It frequently feels like you are failing, or destroying your family, or not trying to work things out, or not giving your partner “a second chance.” It hurts, and it’s scary. (Blaine Nelson)

 

Whether the woman stays for the sake of the children, the lack of belief that she deserves any better, the misguided notion that she can fix her abuser or a hold by religious tenant that demands “til death do us part”, the result, inevitably will be the same. The abuse will continue once the precedent has been set.

But leaving your abusive partner is not the final step. In fact, 35% of women who experienced violence from their partner did so during periods of separation. Leaving is, in actuality, the first step. It is the first step in reclaiming your life, your independence and your self.

There are a number of support services across the world set up with the sole intention of assisting women leaving abusive relationships but before you even get there, your first stop should the local police station. They will document your side of the incident, even if you don’t want to pursue it further (though I strongly suggest you do, especially if it is chronic abuse). They will then direct you to the appropriate organisation to help you in your area. Other professions who are able to help are your local doctor, counsellors, psychologists, mental health departments (going to these doesn’t mean you are crazy or have some illness, they are there to help you deal with the emotional and psychological fallout of the situation) and DOCS (especially if there are children involved).

 

If you are reading this and you are in an abusive relationship, here is my advice: tell someone. More often than not, your close friends and family have already noticed or suspected. They may have even tried to help you previously. If your partner has cut you off from your support network and filled your life with his friends and acquaintances, reach out to those people who knew you before you met your partner, or who you lost contact with while with your partner. You would be surprised at how many would help you, if only they knew what was wrong, or if only you reached out for the help.

You may think that the people you know won’t believe you, there are other (impartial) people you can go to. Most of them I have detailed above. They are people who will not be swayed by your partners public persona, which can often be suave and charming and friendly. They will understand if there is little to no evidence, especially in the cases of emotional abuse. They will provide you with resources and information to not only get you away from your partner but also to help set up your new life.

Remember, you are not the one at fault. You have done nothing wrong. You don’t deserve to be hit because the dishes weren’t done. You don’t deserve a tirade of verbal abuse because you were 5 minutes late. You don’t deserve to be belittled because you have a different opinion about something.

So …

To all the men who have taken the oath this year, and every year, to stand up to violence against women in all its guises, thank you.

To all the women who won’t be victims, be proud.

And …

To all the women, waiting for a sign to get out, it’s not going to be a 20 foot high flashing neon sign, it’s you reading this blog. Take that first step and be proud.