Be afraid, be very … cautious, repectful and diligent? The truth about Australia’s “deadly” wildlife.

I can just hear the announcement in some stereotypical American accent aboard the incoming flight. “Welcome to Australia. On disembarking from the plane, please be aware of the deadly creatures which inhabit this beautiful country. Protective bubbles are available from staff at the front of the plane. Should you choose not to purchase one of these lifesaving devices, the airline bears no repsonsibility for any spider or snake bite, stings by any marine creatures, shark or crocodile attacks or any other malady which may afflict you in your travels. Should you return alive we hope you’ll fly with us, PanicStriken Airways.”

It’s a wonder any tourists visit Australia at all with all the horrow stories they hear of death and serious injury suffered by the locals and visitors alike. Of course, the stories are usually hugely exaggerated, misrepresented or just plain baloney. You’re more likely to get hit by a car, struck by lightening or fall from a great height than die as a result of any of the creatures listed below.

The following is not meant to scare anyone. It is not filled with horror stories. It is a series of lists, containing creatures which should be avoided. It also provides some useful tips for helping you do just that. Let’s start off with the biggies:

Crocodiles

Crocodiles are something you’re most likely to see either in a zoo or a preserve in most of Australia. It’s only in the nothern states and, even then, the further south in those states you get (and the further inland) the fewer crocodiles you tend to find. There are two types of crocodile: saltwater and freshwater.

 

Freshwater Crocodile

In Australia we have Johnson’s Crocodile which lives predominantly in freshwater but can ventrue into saltwater. According to the Queensland Parks and Widlife Service “…there is no record of an unprovoked attack on any person by a freshwater crocodile.”

Saltwater Crocodile

We also have the Estuarine Crocodile which is of the salterwater variety and can grow up to 7m long. These can take down horses and cattle when fully grown and even though a human is the same size as the prey for crocodiles 3m and larger most attack occur because the victim did not follow rules and regulations surrounding entering known crocodile habitats.

The following advice, summarized from the Queensland State Government’s “croc-wise” guidelines (courtesy of www.divethereef.com), should be taken regardless of whether you are dealing with freshwater or saltwater crocodiles:

• Don’t swim where crocodiles live.
• Fish a few meters back from the edge of the water. Don’t stand on logs or branches over deep water. Crocodiles are ambush hunters, and able to lunge out of the water.
• Avoid activities near the water’s edge or on sloping banks. Do your dishes, clean fish, and do other activities away from the bank and off of boat ramps.
• When boating for fishing from a boat, don’t dangle arms and legs over the boat or into the water. If you fall out of a boat, get back in as soon as possible.
• Stay back from slide marks. Slide marks are bare smooth spots on banks of rivers, lagoons and wetlands: they are the spots where crocodiles habitually haul themselves on shore.
• Don’t provoke or interfere with crocodiles. This includes small hatchlings. While cute by reptilian standards, the little squeaky noise they make can often attract a very large mother, who is very capable of defending her offspring.
• Don’t feed crocodiles, either directly, or by leaving fish and food scraps on boat ramps or campsites. Habituating crocodiles to feeding near areas of human activities is a dangerous thing to do.
• Camp 2m above the high water mark and 50m from water's edge in crocodile country.
• Avoid livestock and wildlife drinking spots. Crocodiles are patient and learned hunters, they know these spots are likely places to find a meal.
• Be especially careful during the September to April breeding season, crocodiles are often more aggressive, territorial, and hungry during this time of the year.
• If camping at a site for a long time don’t form a pattern with your near-the-water activities. If you fish or take water from the river, don’t always do it at the same place at the same time. A crocodile can learn your pattern and arrange to “meet you” after figuring out where and when to next find you near the water’s edge.

Unless you’re a trained professional it’s best to stay well clear of any crocodile infested areas.

Sharks

Tiger Shark

Sharks have a pretty poor reputation. Especially following the movies “Jaws”, “Open Water” and “Deep Blue Sea” to name a few. They are seen as man eaters who actively prey on humans, especially if you happen to be a surfer. This is not the case. Yes, there are shark attacks in Australian waters. Yes, people do die as a result of their injuries. No, the locals are not afraid to go into the water because they know what to expect. In fact, many survivors are very much against the hunting down and killing of the shark that attacked them for one reason: they were in the shark’s environment and the shark behaved as it naturally would, there was no malice-afore-thought.



Great White Shark

There are some easy and commonsense precautions to take that can help reduce the risk of a shark attack. This risk minimisation advice is reproduced from the Australian Shark Attack File:

·         Do not swim, dive or surf where dangerous sharks are known to congregate.

·         Always swim, dive or surf with other people.

·         Do not swim in dirty or turbid water.

·         Avoid swimming well offshore, near deep channels, at river mouths or along drop-offs to deeper water.

·         If schooling fish start to behave erratically or congregate in large numbers, leave the water.

·         Do not swim with pets and domestic animals.

·         Look carefully before jumping into the water from a boat or wharf.

·         If possible do not swim a dusk or at night.

·         Do not swim near people fishing or spear fishing.

·         If a shark is sighted in the area leave the water as quickly and calmly as possible.



Bull Shark

The following is a list of the most common sharks found in Australian waters. There are, however, over 300 species of shark of which over 150 visit Australian waters throughout the year. The ones in bold are considered dangerous to humans and/or have a history of attacks on humans. As you can see, considering the numbers of shark species, the ones that do occassionally attack humans are few.

• Great White (found in water between 12 and 24 degrees, esp. NSW and SA; can grow up to 6m in length)
• Tiger Shark (found in most Australian waters, except those of SA, VIC and TAS; can grow up to 5.5m in length)
• Bull Shark (found in most Australian waters, except those of SA, VIC and TAS; can grown up to 3.5m in length)
• Oceanic Whitetip (found in most Australian waters, except those of SA, VIC and TAS; can grow up to 4m in length)
• Shortfin Mako; Longfin Mako
• Thresher; Pelagic Thresher; Bigeye Thresher
• Lemon Shark
• Blacktip Shark
• Silky Shark
• Gray Reef Shark
• Great Hammerhead; Scallopped Hammerhead; Smooth Hammerhead
• Broadnose Sevengill; Sharpnose Sevengill
• Bluntnose Sixgill; Bigeye Sixgill
• Grey Nurse
• Sand Tiger Shark
• Banded Wobbegong; Ornate Wobbegong; Spotted Wobbegong
• Draughtboard Shark
• Saddled Swellshark; Whitefin Swellshark
• Port Jackson Shark
• Crested Hornshark
• Southern Sawshark; Common Sawshark
• Spinner Shark
• Bronze Whaler; Dusky Whaler
• Leopard Shark
• Whale Shark
• Sandbar Shark
• Bignose Shark
• Blue Shark
• Sliteye Shark
• Weasel Shark
• Gummy Shark
• Pencil Shark
• School Shark
• Porbeagle Shark
• Eastern Angleshark; Australian Angleshark

Oceanic Whitetip Shark

Sharks should be given the respect they deserve but should not be hunted like common criminals. There are safe methods for controlling shark behaviour near popular swimming beaches and most patrolled beaches where shark sightings have occurred will have some sort of alarm system to warn everyone to get out of the water until the danger has passed. If a lifeguard tells you to get out of the water, listen to them, they know what they’re talking about … and you’ll have a cool story to tell your mates when you get home about how you were “swimming with sharks”. The truth is that Australia has very few fatal shark attacks annually (1 or 2 per year on average) and perhaps a dozen non-fatal attacks per annum.

Other Sea Critters

The waters around Australia do contain some of the most venomous creatures in the world. They are regarded as very dangerous but if you are aware of what you are looking for, where you can find it and the precautions you can take to avoid it, then the Australian beach lifestyle is one of the best to be found anywhere.

There are many species of Box Jellfish but it is the species Chironex fleckeri that is the most dangerous (and also the largest) and the one that everyone fears. They can grow up to 30cm in diameter at the bell and their tentacles can reach lengths of up to 3m. They can also move up to 2m per second (3-4 knots). There have been 63 known deaths in Australia due to this species of Box Jellyfish but this is over the space of approximately 130 years, making the annual rate 1 or 2 deaths. The sting has a cardiotoxic, neurotoxic and dermtonecrotic effect. This means it affects the heart, nerves and skin. Victims can die from shock, cardiac arrest or secondary infections due to the necrotic effects. If stung, victims should seek immediate and urgent medical attention, usually the lifeguard on duty will be your first port of call, they will have a stings first aid kit and will call the ambulance if necessary, which will bring the antivenom. Box Jellyfish can be found in the waters of Northern Austalia from Gladstone, QLD to Broome, WA (except on the Great Barrier Reef).



Box Jellyfish

There is another species of Box Jellyfish. It is about the size of your thumbnail but packs one hell of a punch. It is known as the Irukandji. The pain from this little critter is said to be excutiating and a quarter of all those stung require hospitalization. Symptoms may include lower back pain, muscle cramps, sweating, nausea, vomiting, restlessness, anxiety and palpitations. In the most severe cases people developed pulmonary oedema (water in the lungs), hypertension and toxic heart failure. There are two known deaths from this creature. They are found in the same waters as their larger cousin but deeper, making it less likely that snorkellers will come into contact but more likely that divers will.



Irukandji

I know there are Blue Ring Octopus living in the rocks and rock pools at my local beach. I’ve seen a couple. They are the smaller of the two varieties, a couple of inches fully outstretched, and nestled into the rock so you’d hardly know they were there. They are extremely venemous with enough poison within them to kill easily. Their beak can piece through a wet suit and though the bite iself may be relatively painless the resulting envenomation can be deadly. It does however give you warning of it’s danger. The bright, electric-blue rings are only displayed when the octopus feels threatened and most attack only when picked up, stood on or otherwise provoked. If stung, seek immediate and urgent medical attention from trained professionals. The venom will kill in minutes and there is no known antidote. Blue Ring Octopus are widely distributed being found in all Australian waters.



Blue Ring Octopus

Stone Fish are arguably the most venomous fish in the world and are reported to have killed many people, usually divers and swimmers who have accidently trodden on their spines, which inject a toxin into the victim. While they are popular aquarium fish they should be handled with extreme care as anyone of it’s thriteen spines can deliver enough toxin to kill an average human within two hours unless medical treatment is sought and the pain is said to be such that victims have asked that their limb be amputated rather than put up with the pain. The good news is that there is an antivenom. Stone fish can be found on coral reefs, around dull coloured plants, near and about rocks, or can be found dormant in the mud or sand, and are extremely adept at camoflage. It is advised that when walking on coral or submerged rocks to wear joggers as this may restict the spines entry into the foot. They are found in all northern Australian waters.



Stonefish

Although Cone Shellfish only grow, on average, to 10cm (with the largest recorded being 20cm) they pack one hell of a punch. They have been labelled one of the most dangerous creatures in Australian waters. Inside their mouth they have 20-30 hollow darts, each filled with a poison that attacks the central nervous system, in turn causing paralysis, nausea, dizziness, weakness of voluntary and involuntary muscle movement and eventually death if left untreated. These darts, in the larger species, are capable of piercing not only human skin but wetsuits and gloves. There is no antivenom and, though the creature is beautiful, please look but do not touch. If stung, seek immediate and urgent medical treatment. Cone Shellfish can be found in all northern Australian waters.



Cone Shellfish

Snakes



Beaked Sea Snake

Australia has the dubious distinction of being home to many of the most venomous snakes in the world. Depending on which report you read this ranges from 6 to 9 of the top 10. Whichever way you look at it, we have some deadly snakes slithering about the place.

Tiger Snake

The most dangerous snake I have ever encountered is the red-bellied black (it doesn’t even rate a mention in the top ten of Australia’s most venomous snakes) and that was while bushwalking. Mostly, that’s where you’ll find the snakes: either in the bush or in the suburbs closest to the bush. The best thing to do if you see a snake is to avoid it.

Coastal Taipan

Regardless of whether you think you can identify it, any snake bite is going to be painful, even without envenomation. Below is a list of snakes found in Australia which are commonly regarded as the top 10 most dangerous to humans due to envenomation. The number in brackets is their LD50 rating. This is the amount of venom that a snake would need to cause death. The lower the rating the less venom the snake needs to kill, ie. the more deadly it is.



Black Tiger Snake

• Gwardir/Western Brown Snake (0.473) – found in WA, NT, SA, most of QLD, predominantly western NSW
• Death Adder (0.400) – found along most of the eastern and southern coastal areas.


Gwardir

• Spotted Brown Snake (0.360) – found in central QLD and central NT
• Black Tiger Snake, Chappel Island ssp (0.194-0.338) – found on Chappel Island

Brown Spotted Snake

• Beaked Sea Snake (0.164) – found along the WA, NT, QLD, NSW coastline
• Black Tiger Snake (0.131) – found in TAS, southern WA and isolated patches of SA

Eastern Brown Snake

• Tiger Snake (0.118) – found in VIC, southern and eastern NSW, south-east QLD

  Inland Taipan

• Eastern Brown Snake (0.053) – found in QLD, NSW, VIC, southern SA and isolated patches of NT


• Inland Taipan (0.025) – found in central Australia (predominantly SA and QLD)


• Coastal Taipan (0.099) – found in eastern QLD, northern NT and northern WA

Death Adder

Spiders



Black House Spider

While Australian spiders have a reputation for being highly venemous and extremely dangerous, there are few cases of bites causing death. For those spiders which can inflict potentially life threatening envenomation, if treatment is sought promptly then the victim is left with a painful wound but otherwise unharmed. Generally the deaths caused by spider bites in Australia are due to lack of treatment or allergic reaction to the venom, rather than the venom itself. The spiders listed below should be avoided as they are the most likely to cause severe bites, however, being vigilant when in their natural habitat should ensure that you and the spiders can co-exist.



Funnel Web Spider

• Red-Back Spider – distribution is Australia-wide
• Funnel Web Spider – distribution is limited mainly to east coast to mid-QLD

White Tail Spider

• Mouse Spider – distribution is limited to mainland Australia
• White-Tailed Spider – distribution is Australia-wide

Wolf Spider

• Black House Spider – distribution is Australia-wide
• Wolf Spider – distribution is Australia-wide

Mouse Spider

For a more deatiled pictorial overview of the whole range of Australian spiders (of which there are many!) please visit the following site:

http://ednieuw.home.xs4all.nl/australian/Spidaus.html

Redback Spider

Other Less Obvious Creatures

While the Platypus might look harmless as it swims around the river bed looking for food, don’t be tempted to pick it up and give it a cuddle. The males of this shy species posses ankles spurs which can pierce the skin. This in itself should be deterent enough but if you should be misfortunate enough to pick one up you may well be delivered a dose of venom that, while not lethal to humans, is painful enough as to incapacitate. The distribution of this unique animal is limited to the east coast of the mainland and Tasmania.



Platypus

There are 3 species of Wombat: the common wombat which is found predominantly down the east coast of southern Queensland, New South Wales and Victoria, as well as tasmania and a small section of South Australia; the southern hairy-nosed wombat which is found along the coast of the Great Australian Bite; and the norther hairy-nosed wombat which is only found in one small section of central Queensland. None of these species is vicious. They don’t have poisoned claws or venemous saliva. They are just big lumps of relatively slow-moving meat. The reason they are dangerous to humans is that when you hit one in your car, your car may come off second best, though this is so rare it almost comes under the urban myth umbrella. There have been recorded cases of common wombats (the largest of the 3 on average) being 130cm long and weighing 45kg. At this size it is likely that they will do serious damage to your car, though the wombat will probably also be injured. You should take care when driving in known wombat areas, especially at night, so as to avoid an accident, either through impact with one or by swerving to avoid one.

Common Wombat

Likewise, the Kangaroo is liable to do a lot of damage to your car if you hit one. Different species of Kangaroo (and their cousins the Wallaby, Wallaroo, Pademelon, Tree Kangaroo, Forest Wallaby, Rat Kangaroo, Potoroo and Bettong) can be found in almost every corner of Australia, though different species prefer different habitats. The one that is going to do the most damage to your car is the Red Kangaroo, which lives in the interior of Australia. Growing up to a massive 2m tall and weighing up to 90kg, they can reach speeds of 60kph (40mph). If that hits your little hatchback, say goodbye to your hatchback because it’s going to be a write off. Even impact with an Eastern Grey Kangaroo (180cm, 60kg, 50kph/30mph) will do some serious damage.

Grey Kangaroo

You may well have also heard of the boxing kangaroo. It has been adopted as an unofficial mascot for international sporting teams from Australia. While this image, of the kangaroo wearing boxing gloves is humorous, real kangaroos “box” with their front and hind legs. While the front legs are relatively harmless, there being more danger of a scratch from their claws, the hind legs can break ribs and disembowel an opponent, whether that be another kangaroo, a predator, or a human who has ventured to near.



Boxing Kangaroo Flag

My suggestion when dealing with wild kangaroos is this: stay at a safe distance, preferably in your car. Remember, if a kangaroo feels threatened in can put on a great amount of speed and can leap fences up to 3m tall, as well as covering a distance of up to 8-9m along the ground in a single bound. If you want an up close and personal experience with a Kangaroo, visit a wildlife sanctuary or zoo which offers interactive enclosures and feeding opportunities. The Kangaroos housed there are usually either rescued as joeys or born in captivity and have been aclimbatized to having humans in close proximity.



Red Kangaroo

The Dingo is the last of the creatures I am going to write about. It is fairly safe to say that since the Azaria Chamberlain case 1980 (incidentally the year I was born) Dingos have had a fairly bad rap overseas. Locally, most people thought her mother had done it and just blamed the dingo. Linda (the mother) was convicted of the crime and spent four years in jail. It wasn’t until the baby’s jacket was found in a dingo den that Linda was found not guilty. There is still doubt over this case but there is no doubt over two other attacks which both happened in 2001 and both involved children, one of which was fatal.

Dingo

It has to be remembered that dingoes are wild animals. They may look like domesticated dogs but they are not domesticated and are, in fact, their own subspecies (Canis lupis dingo) separate from domestic dogs (Canis lupis familiaris). Some dingoes have been domesticated by aboriginal people and some farmers, but generally, dingoes are still relatively wild, with the encroachment of humans into their territory only familarising them with humans not domesticating them. Dingoes are distributed widely across northern, northwest, and central Australia. They are rare in the south and northeast of Australia and possibly extinct in the southeast and southwest (occassional sightings are made, though these may be staying in from other parts of the country). There are plenty of signs in areas where dingoes are known to be present, advising people to keep close to their children (as they are the ones more likely to be attacked), and asking people not to feed the wild populations of dingoes and to keep their food and rubbish locked up as it encourages dingoes to come into camp sites to forage if it is left out. It is thought that many attacks are due to the dingoes regarding people as competition for “their” food.

Like bears and wolves in other countries, Dingoes should be treated with respect and not antagonised as they are an apex predator. They might look like your dog at home and you might want to go up and pat one but this is actively discouraged. If you want to pat a dingo there are plenty of wildlife sanctuaries and zoos around the country with this facility.

In Conclusion …

Don’t let the fear of being killed by one of our animals deter you from visiting our beautiful country. Other countries have many of their own “deadly” creatures. If you worried about what might get you all the time, you’d never leave your house. Remember, statistically, you’re more likely to be struck by lightening than die from any of the creatures listed above. And the most dangerous creature on the planet is also the one you’re going to meet wherever you go in the world … homo sapiens.

Art, Glorious Art !!!

I recently asked my friends to give me suggestions for what my next blog topic should be. One said I should write about what art is or who decides something is art. Personally, I know nothing about art. I never studied art. I'm not familiar with different styles except as terms that get bandied about by experts. I do, however, know what I like. Having said that I'm not someone who says, "oh, I only like modern art" or "I wouldn't hang anything but a Renoir". I like certain pieces that cross many genres of art. I am going to focus on sketches and paintings. I will leave photography, sculpture and music, dance and other performance art for other posts. Whether you like the works below is neither here nor there. These are the works that inspire me, that I would love to hang upon my wall if I had the income acquire them and the space to do them justice.

Lake Nemi, Sunset

Joseph Wright

I really love the colour in this picture. It is soft and warm. The detail in the tree in particular is spectacular. The attention to detail, not just in the major items of the work, such as the tree and the buildings, but to the minor aspects of the painting, such as the birds, is superb. I am quite fond of the artist, Joseph Wright, generally but especially his landscapes and this is my favourite. When I look at it a smile crosses my face. It makes me wistful and dreamy, as if I should like to step into the painting and sit under the tree to pain my own picture.

Landscape with Figure Carrying Staff and Passing Below an Overhanging Rock

Cheng Sui

I do have a fondness for asian art, especially this very minimalist style. I like it's simplicity. Experts say they sense a certain plainness, a melancholy and often bleak and lonely feeling in this and other works by the same artist following the fall of the Ming Dynasty. While I can see how it can be interpreted that way, I do not see it as that forlorn. I see this particular work as man seeking enlightenment through exploration of his surroundings and of his own self.

Pastel

Ralph Balson

It's quite normal for me to fall in love with an artists works. It is also quite normal for me to hate every piece of work by an artist except one. This is pretty much the case here. I am not a fan of Balson's other works generally but this one I like. I like the choice of colour, I like the pattern. I like the abstract lines that flow through the work.

The Starry Night

Vincent Van Gogh

Once again, this is an example of me liking a particular painting while not being a fan of the artist as a whole. It feels slightly wrong of me to say that I don't like most van Gogh works, but it's true. I like this one and that's about it. It reminds me of horror stories (of which I am a huge fan) and of the Night on Bald Mountain section in Fantasia (one of my favourite movies). It is dark and ominous. The sky seems alive, as if it would pick you up and swallow you. The town itself seems to be on the verge of something very sinister, the church steeple rising up in defiance.

Sydney by Night

Ken Done



I've included this work, not because it is one of my favourites, though it was for a long time. I have included it because it was the work that first sparked my interest in owning art. It was the first piece I saw that I said to myself, I want to own that. Of course, being a teenager, I didn't even have the money to buy a print of it, let alone the original. I think what drew me to this work was the fact that it was my home town and it reminds me of New Year's Eve with the fireworks and the reflections in the harbour.

The Embarkation of the Queen of Sheba

Claude Lorrain

I would, realistically, be very happy to own any of Claude Lorrain's landscapes but this one is my favourite. The light in many of his works is quite eerie and almost has a supernatural feel to it. Everything in this work draws the eye to it and then allow them to follow the natural lines of the work to a focal point. This work is simply beautiful to me.

The Guitar Player

Georges Braque

I like this work in spite of myself. I'm not a huge fan of abstract art, though a few have made it onto my list of favourite pieces, but generally I don't like it. I don't like the colours in this, except that it reminds me of sepia photos. I don't like the lines that begin and end with no apparent objective. Yet, overall I like this work. I want to not like it, but I can't.

The Scream

Edvard Munch

Once again, the horror story junkie in me loves this. I also love how fluid the work feels, the straight lines of the fence are counterbalanced by the curves of the sky, hills and body of the figure. The demon-esque nature of the individual is striking. It is definitely not human, though it may once have been. The firey colours of the sky also lend themselves to the hellish world inhabited by the creature. This work is absorbing and horrifying and I love it.

Forest Fire # 7

Evan Lee

I first saw this work, along with the other works in the series, whilst on holiday in Canada. It is a masterful meeting of two art forms - photography and painting. The artist used photgraphs of forest fires in British Columbia that he had found and printed them on traditional darkroom paper using an inkjet printer. He then immediately used a paint brush to turn the printed photographs into paintings. The reason that I like this series, and this work in particular, is not just that they are pleasing to the eye. It is the ingenuity behind the thought process that lead to the creation of the work.

Landscape of Four Seasons

Cong Fang Cong

Apart from being a fan of this style of asian art, I am also an fan of pieces that fit together (usually in triptych form, but this is equally as elegant). In each panel there is a celebration of the season it depicts, a joy that escapes and fills the viewer, or at least me. The works individually are subtle and beautiful. As a whole, they transform, with the whole truly being greater than the sum of its parts, into a stunning work that mesmorises me every time I lay my eyes upon it.

Oddities of the english language

I am going to say this up front. I am really bad at languages. I tried to learn German. Epic failure. I tried to learn Spanish. Enough stuck long enough to get me through two weeks in Buenos Aires, then I promptly forgot it all. It’s probably a good thing I learnt English as my native language or I’d be well and truly up the creek without the proverbial paddle.

It’s always amused me what weird and wonderful rules the english language has and the fact that for every rule there are probably several exceptions to contradict the rule, especially when it comes to spelling. There are many examples of words which have the same sound but different spelling.

·         byte, bite, bight

·         seen, scene

·         hear, here

·         their, there, they're

·         feet, feat

·         ate, eight

·         err, heir, air

·         wheel, weal, we'll

·         you, ewe

·         isle, aisle, I'll

·         ale, ail

Of course, there is also the opposite, where words have the same spelling but are pronounced differently. The trick to getting it right is to know the context in which it is being used. Below are a few examples:

• We must polish the Polish furniture.
• He could lead if he would get the lead out.
• The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
• Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
• A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
• When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
• I did not object to the object.
• The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
• There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
• They were too close to the door to close it.
• The buck does funny things when the does are present.
• A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
• To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
• The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
• Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
• I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
• How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
• The bandage was wound around the wound.
• The farm was used to produce produce.
• The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

The killer for this kind of thing is the “Ough” sound. You’d think that being a single grouping of letters it would have one, maybe two ways of pronouncing it. Staggeringly, it can be pronounced in eight completely different ways. The following sentence is an excellent example of how this miscreant of the english language can make life difficult: “A rough-coated, dough-faced ploughman strode through the streets of Scarborough, coughing and hiccoughing thoughtfully.”

Then you have to contend with the ninjas of the spelling world: the silent letter. They sit there while you speak, not being noticed, and then when you need to write the word … BAM !!! And there’s not just one of them, there’s a whole host of them just waiting to trip you up.

·         The silent G: gnat, gnaw

·         The silent K: know, knee, knife, knit, knickers, knuckle

·         The silent P: psychology, psychiatrist, pneumonia

·         The silent L: should, could, would

·         The silent S: isle, aisle, island

·         The silent W: wrap, wrinkle, write, wrath, wrist, wrought

·         The silent B: debt, doubt

·         The silent T: listen, soften, castle, often

The general spelling rule that most children learn is use i before e … except after c (receive, deceit) … or when sounding like a (neighbor, sleigh, weigh, freight). Of course, this means there are a raft of words that are, in fact, exceptions and then there are the words which are just annoying and don’t follow the rule OR the exceptions: seize, weird, neither, either, foreign, sovereign, forfeit, counterfeit, leisure, heifer, protein, geiger (as in 'counter'), height, sleight, feisty, seismograph, poltergeist, kaleidoscope.

Even going from singular to plural forms of words isn’t easy. Wrap your head around the following: To make a plural, add ‘s’ (dog > dogs) except when the word ends in s, x, z, ch and sh then add ‘es’ (bus > buses, box > boxes, buzz > buzzes, church > churches, dish > dishes) … or if it ends in y then add ‘s’ except when a consonant preceeds the y then the y changes to i and you add ‘es’ (donkey > donkeys, penny > pennies) … likewise, if the word ends with f then the f is changes to a v and we add ‘es’ (loaf > loaves) … and again with o as an ending, if it has a vowel preceeding then add ‘s’ (radio > radios) but if it has a consonant preceeding then add ‘es’ (volcano > volcanoes) … and those latin words which end with –ex or –ix become ‘–ices’ (index > indices, matrix > matrices). There are many more rules to changing the ending of a word to create the plural, too many to list here, and it can almost seem easier to just remember what the plurals are rather than remembering all the rules. The last plural rule that deserves a mention is when the singular and plural of a word are the same (one sheep > many sheep).

The things I have listed above are to do with the rules of english, the complexities of it and the many frustrations which litter the path when it comes to learning english. It is not a complete list, merely an overview. But what about those things in the english language which are just a little bit strange, sometimes funny and quite often thought provoking?

Is there another word for synonym? Well, actually, no. There is no synonym for the word synonym. It means, of course, a word which means exactly or nearly the same as another word in the same language. And there is no other word in the english language which means that.

Oxymorons are abundant in the english language. They are pairings of words which appear to be contradictory. Original copy is an example of this as something is either original or a copy. What is often meant is original edition. It is what is called an inadvertent oxymoron. Controlled chaos is an apparent oxymoron. Paradoxical oxymorons are those which are extremely apparent, such as irregular pattern and deafening silence.

Related to oxymorons are those phrases in which one of the words has multiple meanings, the correct meaning making the phrase logical, the incorrect meaning making a mockery of the speaker. One might ask, “How is it possible to have a civil war?” This plays on the word civil having dual meanings: polite / between citizens of the same state.

There are plenty of examples in English of two seemingly contradictory terms mean the same thing. Fat chance and slim chance both mean there is little chance and why do flammable and inflammable mean the same thing, especially considering the prefix –in usually refers to the opposite of the root word (tolerant > intolerant)? Slow down and slow up mean the same thing also despite up and down being antonyms.

There are expressions which we use commonly that, when you think about them, don’t quite sound right. Shouldn't it be called a near hit rather than a near miss? To use their correct definition, a near miss would be a hit, as you nearly missed. It is logical, therefore, to assume that a near hit should be used to refer to an incident in which something was nearly hit.

There are those oddities which just don’t quite fit into a category. For example, the word lisp (which is a speech defect in which s is pronounced like th): it seems somewhat ironic, cruel even, that is has the letter ‘s’ in it. Another example is the word abbreviation (which means a shortened form of a word or phrase): it is such a long word that we need to abbreviate it to abbr. The third, and final, example is the word phonetic (which is the way something sounds): if phonetic was spelled phonetically then it would be fonetic.

And I couldn’t finish this post without making reference to the difference in meaning of words between the different English dialects. British English and American English have many words which mean different things. In Australia we tend to be familiar with both uses of the word but will use one over the other, sometimes the British, sometimes the America. Below is a short list (it’s by no means comprehensive, feel free to add your own in the comments section) along with the British and American definitions:

Banger

US – someone who has a lot of sex

UK – sausage; old car

Bangs

US – Hairdressing term

UK – Has sex with

Bugger

US – to sodomize

UK – swear word (like f**k but less severe)

Canteen

US – something a soldier drinks out of

UK – a cafeteria

Dull

US – not sharp

UK – boring

Fanny

US – slang for bottom

UK – slang for vagina

Flat

US – a deflated tyre

UK – an apartment

Holiday

US – specifically public holidays, eg. July 4^th

UK – either a specific public holiday or a vacation

Mate

US – procreate

UK – buddy

Pavement

US – the road surface

UK – footpath

Period

US – full stop

UK – specific part of the menstrual cycle

Pound sign

US – #

UK – £

Pussy

US – slang for vagina

UK – slang for cat

Ring up

US – in sales, to put items through the register

UK – to call someone on the telephone

Randy

US – a name

UK – horny

Rubbers

US – condoms

UK – erasers

Tramp

US – a woman with loose morals

UK – a homeless person

For a comprehsive list of British terms explained for American audiences, visit the following website:

http://www.effingpot.com/index.shtml

Of course, with more of a TV cross over now, both versions of many of the above words are acceptible in both countries, though I still get asked to explain a lot of terms I use by American friends.

If you have any other oddities about the english language, feel free to comment.