Friends with Benefits

This subject material may not be suitable for those under the age of 18. Parental Guidance is strongly recommended. It also has nothing to the with the movie of the same name. Sorry if you're disappointed. Please keep reading, though.

I’m no prude. I have no problem with sex. I won’t say I’ve had a lot of partners but I’ve had enough. I won’t say I’ve had many “normal” relationships but I’ve had a few which are probably described as friends with benefits relationships or open relationships.

I think that it depends on the person and the situation as to whether they work or not. If both people are in the same frame of mind then it can work beautifully. If one is only doing it for the other person, or think they should do it because it’s the only way they are going to get laid, or (worst of all) one develops actual romantic feelings for the other then it is doomed to failure.

The first such relationship started out as friends with benefits and turned into an open relationship. When we broke up he thought I would be more upset than I was. Truth was, I like being with him but he wasn’t my soul mate. I had no emotional connection to him beyond being friends. The fact we also slept together didn’t register on that scale. He is now married and has a child of his own, and I am very happy for him.

The second one was supposed to be friends with benefits but we both fell for the other. Finding out that your new friend, who you are developing feelings for, is very married is heartbreaking. I was completely devestated. He was upset at losing me but not enough to want to leave his wife (which is typical). He would have happily kept me on as a mistress if I allowed him to. There were times when I thought that maybe it’s all I deserved to be or would ever be capable of being. For many years after I told him I would no longer see him because he was married he still rang me to ask if I would like to “play”. Eventually I told him to remove my number from his phone and not contact me anymore.

I have also had many an offer of such a relationship and I wonder if it’s that they don’t want a committed relationship with anyone, or it’s just me that they don’t want a relationship with. I guess only time will tell on that point. If, within the next 12 months, they are in a relationship with someone, then it’s probably me. If they never settle down, then it’s them. Usually, it’s me. Usually, they are hanging out for someone better: better looking, better physique, higher intelligence, more sporty.

While I may have been all for a relationship with no commitments in my early 20s, now that I’m in my early 30s I’m looking for something a bit more stable, a bit more mature.  Maybe I just don’t look in the right places for the right guy. Maybe I shouldn’t be looking at all. Maybe I should be waiting for Mr Right to just magically turn up on my doorstep.

Sometimes I think it would be good to have a friends with benefits relationship now. The best of both worlds, so to speak. Except it’s not. It’s half a relationship. And when it breaks down you haven’t just lost a lover, you’ve potentially lost a friend as well. If you don’t mind losing the friendship, one has to wonder why you’d want to sleep with them, unless you’re being highly superficial.

I’ve always had a live and let live approach so if you’re in a friends with benefits relationship or an open relationship and it’s working for you, then good for you. If it’s not working then you need to look closely at why and maybe adjust your priorities.

For me, I have realised I’d rather be single than in a relationship that’s not going anywhere …