White Ribbon Day 2014

A year ago, I wrote a piece called White Ribbon Day: A day I wish we didn’t need. It was the 10^th anniversary of the national movement in Australia. I cried writing it, just as I cry every time I re-read it, and just as I will cry writing this one, and will cry re-reading this piece.

You might think that I must have been a victim of domestic violence to be so affected simply writing a blog piece. You might think I must have some personal first hand knowledge to continue to be voice in the dark.

I am not a victim.

I have no first hand knowledge.

I am affected, however. Every single person you know is affected by domestic violence, either directly or indirectly. For those who suffer at the hands of their father, boyfriend, husband, partner or even a total stranger, it is easy to see the affect. For those who know a woman who has been the target of violence, either personally or professionally, the affect can be huge, especially for those working in counselling or health care setting, or who are close friends or relatives of victims.

However, I do not fall into either of those categories, so why am I so affected?

Because the violence against one is the violence against all. We are a society, a community, who must work together to stamp out this insidious act. We are the shopkeepers who see you flinch when someone brushes past you in the aisle. We are the friends who lend you a shoulder on which to cry. We are the boss’ who give you time off to recover from injuries. We are the sports instructors who wait with your children because you’re covering up the latest bruise. We are the teachers who see how broken your family is every time you come in for parent-teacher interviews.

 

There may not be much I can do to stop violence against women on my own; however, many hands make light work. Violence against women does not only affect women. We can do something to stop it if we work together. We cannot judge women who haven’t yet found their way out and we cannot apportion blame to these women for the violence they experience. Women do not ask for it or enjoy it.

There is no stereotypical perpetrator; they can be of any religion, any education level, any sexual orientation, any occupation, any strata of society and any cultural background. Abusers aren’t limited to alcoholics and drug abusers; they can be so-called respectable, contributing members of society.

Likewise, there is no stereotypical woman who suffers from violence, and the number of women who experience some for of violence is not small. In fact, it is large. Scarily large. Depending on the age group, it could be as high as 1 in 3 women. If that statistic alone doesn’t scare you, I don’t know what will.

If the thought of violence against women scares you, take the oath. It doesn't take long. Actually, you can do it right now:

 



If the thought of that not being enough weighs upon you, be proactive: financially support the White Ribbon campaign, volunteer your time or spread the word.

If you are struggling to find a way out of a situation, know someone who is in a violent relationship they can't get out of, or want more information, please check out the following information -

 



Maybe next year, I won't need to write one of these ...

Dear Santa ... from my 34 year old self

It's about this time of year that many people start thinking about Christmas. Little children get excited about the thought of Santa visiting, carols start being heard more often and decorations begin to deck the halls of shopping centres ...

This year, my son decided that he wanted to do a list for Santa. He's at the age where I'm not sure if he still believes in Santa or whether he's just playing along for more presents. Either way, his list is pretty much the standard for a child of 9. It's toys and DVDs and games. It's what he wants. He hasn't developed a sense of social want or need just yet. Don't get me wrong, he's a caring, compassionate child but things like world peace and starving children in Africa don't cross his mind on a day-to-day basis, only when he's confronted with it.

So here's my letter to Santa, with 25 extra years of knowledge and experience behind it ...

Dear Santa,

I don't need anything from you for Christmas this year. I have everything material I could ever want that would fit in that sack of yours. I somehow don't think that the house of my dreams and enough money to keep it running is really something you do.

So instead of material possessions, I'd like to ask for a little Christmas magic, something you can't buy in stores or make in a factory staffed by elves.

I'd like to ask for patience, compassion and understanding.

I'd like to ask for serenity and peace.

I'd like to ask for love.

I'm sure you could package up just a little of each for every man, woman and child on earth, and fill their hearts with joy. If everyone could see how it is for others, if they could extend a hand in assistance instead of throwing a fist in anger, if they could open their hearts and minds to all that is wonderful and beautiful in this world, the world might be a happier, more peaceful place and a greater world for our children to grow up in.

While you're delivering the presents to the girls and boys around the world, don't forget the little bag of magic. It's the most important present of all.

Yours sincerely,

A mother wanting a better future for her child

Missing the war

I don't want to talk about war. I don't want to talk about its hardships or its atrocities. I don't want to talk about the fit, healthy men and women who come home with broken minds and bodies, or the ones who never come home at all.

I do want to talk about my Grandfather. His memory weighs heavily upon me on days such as ANZAC Day and Remembrance Day. I want to talk about him. I want to regale you all with stories of his service to his country. I want to, but I can't.

The memories I have of him are patchy. Calling him for dinner. Showing him pictures of my life. Happy memories but never memories of his life. Never memories of him as a young man, memories painted through stories told with old lips and tired eyes.

I was 9 years old when he died. Two and a half decades later, if I could go back and talk to any of my grandparents, it would be him. It has always been him. I want to fill in the blanks of his life. I want to know the answers to all the questions I was too young to ask.

I think, having read many an account of war from other veterans, I'm not sure I would have been ready to hear his stories when I knew him. I don't know if the reason he never talked about was that it was too upsetting for him or if no-one really asked. Whatever the reason, his stories are now lost to the winds and my heart aches for him and for his story.

Maybe that's why I write. Maybe I don't want my story to be lost. Maybe I'll never go to war, or become famous, or do something of note, but I will have a story to tell. It will be my little story, and it will be a story my grandfather would be proud of.

Lest we forget.

R.I.P. Richard Arrowsmith 1903-1989

Why we don't need to teach acceptance to children ...

Now, before I get lots of angry messages, comments and tweets about how it's important for children to be accepting, I'm going to stop you right there. How about you read all the way through this piece before forming an angry lynch mob?

Children don't need to be taught acceptance. Children are already pretty much accepting of everyone. It's their nature. Children are trusting and accepting of just about everyone they meet. They don't need us to teach them about acceptance or how to be accepting. They get it.

It's us. It's all of us. It's the adults who need to be taught.

My son has Autism. Not very severe. If you met him, you might not realise right away. His best friend has Down Syndrome. They accept each other. No questions asked. They both go to a mainstream school. They are in a mainstream class. They are accepted by their friends at school. They are accepted by other students who are not necessarily in their immediate circle.

These children are perfectly accepting. This isn't to say that they don't notice differences. They do. They comment on them. It's what's kids do. They have no filter. All parents would have had that awkward moment when they wanted the ground to open up because their child has said something like, "Why is that man so fat?" or "Gee, that lady's black!" It's not because they are being mean or discriminatory. It's because they are curious about the world. It is not because they are intolerant.

It's adults that add the layer of intolerance to their curiosity. It's adults that say the man is fat because he's lazy or doesn't eat right or can't be bothered exercising. It's adults that tell their children they don't associate with people of colour.

And by adults, I mean all adults. Parents, other relatives, family friends, parents of other children, the media, teachers, sports instructors, nannies, babysitters, everyone.

Society allows intolerance to continue and to grow. Every single one of us need to step up and stay that enough is enough. Intolerance will not be accepted.

Homophobia ... gone.

Sexism ... gone.

Racism ... gone.

Disability discrimination ... gone.

Ageism ... gone

Imagine what that society would be like. Don't worry, I'm not going to be doing any John Lennon impersonations. Really, think about it, though. Imagine going for a job and not having to hide your sexuality. Imagine men and women getting the same wage. Imagine not having to put up with racial stereotyping. Imagine not having to worry about re-entering the workforce because your age means you won't even get a look in. Imagine your disability being something you have, rather than something your suffer from.

Currently, yes, education is the answer. Teaching people that it's not OK to discriminate against people because of what they are is a great thing. But imagine not having to do that at all because everyone was accepted and accepting. Imagine them being that way because no-one had taught them that different is bad.

Utopia? Perhaps ... but just imagine!

Frustrated and jealous but not unhappy

Sometimes I don't understand people. Well, maybe not sometimes. Maybe all the time.

How is it that you can be perfectly happy with 99% of your life:

- happy with your job

- happy with your hobbies

- happy with your child

- happy with your parents

But there's one thing you're not happy with:

- the lack of a romantic relationship.

It's not for a want of one. It's not for a lack of interest on my part. I just don't seem to be able to attract suitable partners. I've written about this previously. I won't bore you with the details. This isn't about my lack of a partner as such. It's more about other peoples reactions to my voicing my dissatisfaction with my lack of a partner.

There are a few standard reactions:

1. There's someone out there for everyone ...

Really? Even if it's true, will they reveal themselves to me before I am unable to have children? It's all very well saying there's someone for everyone but if I have to wait until I am 50 years old to meet them, how does that help me? How does that fulfil my desire to have a family?

2. Stop looking. They'll show up when you least expect it.

I look. I don't look. It makes no difference. In the end, I have given up looking. I may lament the fact I have no partner, no father to any children I might desire, but I have given up the search. So telling me to stop looking is pointless. As for showing up when I least expect it ... I never expect it so anytime is good, really.

3. You don't need a man to make you happy.

No, I don't NEED a man. I'd like one, though. I am perfectly happy with what I have. This doesn't mean I don't want more. It's like being happy in your job but wanting a promotion - you don't need the promotion to make you happy but you'd like one because it's more money, or a nicer desk, or a little more responsibility. Why can I not be happy with what I have and still desire something more? Is happiness now a finite resource?

4. You have a child.

This one bites the hardest. I hate it with every fibre of my being. I love my son but it's not the same type of love that I would have for a partner. Having a child is wonderful and I would not give it up for the world but having a child does not fill that small void.

I don't know. I guess people are trying to help. I think they don't know what to say and are just saying whatever inane thing comes into their head to try to make my feel better. I don't need someone else's false platitudes to make me feel better, though. I need to vent. I need to yell and scream and vociferate!

I recently had to take a break from social media for a few days due to the overwhelming desire to throw things at the screen. It was frustration and jealousy at play. Frustration at my own inability to maintain any sort of romantic relationship due to poor choices both in the men I subjected myself to and my own failings as a partner (not being self depreciating, just realistic). Jealousy at all the happy smiling people, many of whom I've known since childhood, who have succeeded where I have failed.

Maybe my standards are too high.

Maybe I don't put myself out there enough, or in the right places.

Maybe I'm not meant to be with someone right now.

Whatever the reason, it sucks. It really sucks and I hate it. But it doesn't mean I shouldn't desire that which I don't have and it certainly doesn't mean I'm unhappy.

Blood Brothers: Swans around the World

There’s a pretty great team in the AFL called the Sydney Swans. I may be a little biased in my statement but you have to admit that over the last two decades, they’ve built a little empire for themselves. Being the only team in a city for so long has it’s advantages. None of the success the swans enjoy today was handed to them on a silver platter, however. The Swans have worked hard to develop their team and their brand.

It can’t be any wonder, then, that there are now Swans all around the world. From Vietnam to London to Los Angeles, the Swans name has been adopted by teams near and far. I wondered, as a Sydney Swans supporter and member, about these other teams that bear the name (and sometimes logo) or the team I love.

Image courtesy of the Chicago Swans

Based at the Waveland Fields, Chicago Swans has given many an ex-pat Aussie and local alike the opportunity to kick a footy around in the peculiar manner than is Australian Rules Football. Former Chicago player, Jason, was introduced to the game by friends of friends and he has never looked back. Now living in Wisconsin, he hopes to introduce a whole new crop of recruits to his adopted game by starting a new club in 2015.

Image courtesy of the London Swans

In the UK, The London Swans, based at Shoreditch Park, have drawn players from the local area as well as ex-pat Aussies. One such ex-pat, Henry, indicated many factors which influenced his decision to join the Swans. Geographical proximity was a major factor but he “couldn't wear Collingwood colours” and after that the decision was easy. Growth of the sport is a common theme when talking to both ex-pats and locals. Henry is no different and happily outlined his desire to see an established Junior League.

You can tell Henry is passionate, not only about his club, but AFL generally when he says he has played AFL since the age of seven but “the last three seasons in London have been some of the most enjoyable years of my footy career. Getting involved in the club in an off-field capacity was very rewarding. Thoroughly recommend the experience for anyone travelling to pull on the boots. No skill or previous experience necessary!”

Image courtesy of the South Dublin Swans

A little further north, the South Dublin Swans have made Bushy Park, Terenure, their home. Peter, a player for South Dublin, sees AFL as a growth sport and, with its similarities to Gaelic Football along with the International Rules Competition hotly contested between Australia and Ireland, he might not be far wrong. Another South Dublin Swan, club president Edward, credits his interest in AFL to it being on TV and the introduction in the 1980s of the compromised rules series.

Speaking not long after the AFL World Cup, both Andrew and Peter hope to see continued growth in player numbers and more players vying for selection on the national team, and Andrew hopes the South Dublin Swans are at the forefront of the growth, with Peter adding that support to “get a women's team going” to compliment the boys at South Dublin Swans might be something they looked at in the future.

Image courtesy of the Ottawa Swans

One club that has an established womens team is the Ottawa Swans, who use the inner oval of Rideau Carleton Raceway as a home ground. One of the players, Meaghan, was introduced to AFL in Toronto but it wasn’t until moving to Ottawa that she began her career and future looks bright for women’s football with people like Meaghan involved. When asked about the future of AFL in the Ottawa area, she replied, “I see it growing immensely. Our recruitment has skyrocketed these past 2 years. I think the benefit we have in Ottawa vs Toronto is that we only have the 1 team, whereas Toronto has multiple teams to choose from so recruitment is more spread out, whereas we essentially have a monopoly in Ottawa. We're also specifically trying to target women who have played a lot of sports before (particularly varsity) and are looking for something new.”

The mens teams in Ottawa are also looking to the future. Jay, who was into many different sports growing up, was asked by friends to give AFL a go and, after watching a few You Tube clips, started training with the club, never looking back. He admits that AFL faces an uphill battle but it’s a battle they are winning: “With such a short summer and so many competing sports, footy has plenty of competition but has established a stronghold in Ottawa, Canada. Women's footy has particularly taken-off in the city and will be a strong point of growth.”

Image courtesy of the Ottawa Swans

There is one draw back to being an AFL fan on the other side of the world, as ex-pat Aussie, now Ottawa resident, Matt explains, “I like to watch the footy from Australia online, but have to admit it's hard to find time, and I'm not serious enough to watch between midnight and 3am (except the grand final).” Many ex-pats are resonsible for the introduction and growth of AFL overseas, but Matt goes on to say that there is now good involvement from Canadians, meaning that the sometimes transient ex-pat population isn’t the sole means of recruitment, either for players or support staff.

Image courtesy of the Årsta Swans

You might not think that Stockholm, Sweden, would be even on the radar as far as AFL was concerned but the Årsta swans, situated at the J.C.G in Skarpnäck, are hoping that the slowly increasing interest in the sport will eventually lead to it becoming more mainstream, though it is still so small that it is flying under the radar of local news and the Swedish sport federation. Wilhelm, a player for Årsta, speaks of brotherhood, more than rivalry, between the five teams currently in the Stockholm area. “We have practices together and act as refs for each others games,” Wilhelm says.

Image courtesy of the Vietnam Swans

The story of the Vietnam Swans is one of hope. Started in 1998, it lasted two games under the Hanoi Hawks banner, before being resurrected in 2003 as the Hanoi Swans. In 2007, the team went national and became the Vietnam Swans. This not only brought in new players but meant that the team has become a valued member of the AFL Asia community. The Vietnam Swans have also succeeded where many other, more established clubs around the world, have fallen short: they have brought Auskick to the kids.

The Australian Auskick program is hugely successful at home, but it is rare to find Auskick or any sort of Junior AFL program outside Australia. While some of the American teams do run Auskick programs, they are few and far between, making it difficult for juniors to get match practice. It is a lament of many that there isn’t more done to publicise AFL around the world. Speak with Rob, who started following AFL in the mid-80s as a college student in America and now lives in LA, and you start to understand how difficult it is for those overseas Swans fans to access AFL on a regular basis. When asked how the AFL could be more supportive of the code internationally, Rob had the following to say:

This could be a book, but I’ll keep it to my top two ideas. First, establish easy TV access to the matches and publicize them. Free Internet streaming (particularly after the match is played), on-demand viewing, anything to make it easier for the curious American fan or the expat Aussie to follow. Secondly, do more in the US! Have an annual exhibition here, bring in training camps, involve inner-city kids, do some outreach. I mean, we have kids playing cricket in our ghettos here. Cricket! If there were any awareness of the sport here, AFL could start a development program and draw some attention.

 

For fans like Rob, watching a Sydney Swans game live at the SCG might be a once if a lifetime opportunity but there beckons the opportunity for the AFL to put on more exhibition and for AFL clubs to provide some sort of “international membership” so that ex-pats and local converts alike can show their support for the club they love, even if it is from afar. Social media has made it easier for international fans to connect with other AFL fans and the clubs they support, yet there is still a call for local hot spots, where fans can meet and watch games together.

Image courtesy of the Sydney Swans

The “Bloods” spirit is truly a global phenomena. It’s fans like Rob getting up in the middle of the night to watch the Swans win a Grand Final. It’s players like Wilhelm who give so much back to the sport. Its teams like the Vietnam Swans who just won’t give up. And while the individual players in the Swans teams around the world may not necessarily support the Sydney Swans, the culture of teamwork and mateship pervades all of these teams. They share a common desire for the sport to grow … nay, thrive! Whether they play games if and when they can, or every weekend, Swans around the world share the love of the game, they passion for the sport and a genuine fondness for that oddly shaped ball and those four big sticks.

Årsta Swans

Website: www.arstaswans.se
Facebook: www.facebook.com/thearstaswans
Twitter: @arstaswans
Email: contact@arstaswans.se

Chicago Swans

Website: www.chicagofooty.com
Facebook: www.facebook.com/chicagofooty
Twitter: @chicagofooty
Email: info@chicagofooty.com

Ottawa Swans

Website: www.ottawaswans.com
Facebook: www.facebook.com/ottawaswans
Twitter: @OttawaSwans
Email: swanspresident@gmail.com

London Swans

Website: www.londonswans.co.uk
Facebook: www.facebook.com/londonswans
Twitter: @londonswans
Email: recruitment@londonswans.co.uk

South Dublin Swans

Website: www.southdublinswans.com
Facebook: www.facebook.com/groups/6803372036
Twitter: @southdubswans
Email: info@southdublinswans.com

Vietnam Swans

Website: www.vietnamswans.com
Facebook: www.facebook.com/TheVietnamSwans
Twitter: @vietnamswans
Email: nationalpres@vietnamswans.com

I’d like to thank the various clubs and their members for their time in answering my questions. Without them, this would have been a very short piece. If you are a member of an international Swans team that I haven’t mentioned here, or a local Australian team affiliated with the Sydney Swans, feel free to tell us about your experiences and leave contact details for your club in the comments section below.

Is this what we are teaching our children?

I recently posted the following on my Facebook page:

In the end, we must strive for our capacity to love to be the thing for which we are remembered, not our capacity to hate and to hurt.

The very next day I was confronted by the news of a shocking image that was posted to twitter. The picture was that of a young boy holding the head of a decapitated soldier.

Is this what we are teaching our children?

Are we allowing them to continue to hate and despise for the simple reason that this is what we have always done? At what point do we say enough is enough? If we wish for future generations to live in peace then we must take the first step. Not just individually but collectively. Every mother, every father, every citizen must make a conscious decision to not allow our children to grow up with hate in their heart.

We need to pass on uplifting ideals, such as tolerance and acceptance. We need to produce future leaders who have sympathy, empathy and compassion. We need to create a world that is free from the hostility, greed and disrespect that is so pervasive in society right now. So I return my thoughts to those I opened with: Do I show my son my capacity for love or do I teach him that hate is normal and to hurt others is ok?

I would like to think that it is the former, rather than the latter. I hope that my son, who is not much older than the boy which was pictured in the image which disturbed me so greatly, grows up to be a well-rounded, generous, caring citizen of the world. Still, my heart weeps for the children of fathers who proudly display such pictures and who fill their childhood with an unbridled hate which I cannot behin to fathom.

I don't want to shed another tear for another child consumed by their parents hate and I don't want my child to shed a tear for another child in a generations time.

Can someone explain to me why I must? Or why my child must?

Because I do not understand at all.