Funny and Smart: The thinking person’s crumpet

If you ask most women what they think of as sexy you might get an array of answers to do with what physical attributes that they find attractive. You might also find answers that are less quantifiable, like the spark in their eye, the way they walk or even less specifically a je ne sais quoi. But do you know what’s really sexy? What really gets someone like me swooning? The brain.

Ok, not many people are going to find the actual brain sexy. That’s a fairly niche fetish. It’s more what comes out of the brain. The personality, the humour, the intellect – the way people use their brain is just about the sexiest thing you can have on this planet.

Now, everyone is different, some people will find one expression of the brain incredibly desirable, while someone else will find a completely different expression of the brain desirable. It’s just like physical attraction. There’s no right or wrong, but there are some more mainstream attractions than others.

The perennial question is the dinner party guest list, and who would be on it. The idea is to pick 5 people with whom you’d like to have dinner, disregarding location, age, or any other real-world limitations. So, I’m going to play a variation of this. I’m going to give a list of 10 men (being that I’m a cis hetero woman who literally couldn’t narrow down this list to without an great deal of angst) that I find incredibly smart, funny and, of course, sexy, and I am completely disregarding the fact that most of them (if not all) have a spouse.

So, let’s begin …

Craig Ferguson – If you've ever watched Craig as the host of "The Late Late Show" on CBS in America, you’ll know how sexy, and how funny, and how incredibly smart he is. While he’s had his ups and downs in his life, what has shone through is a quick wit and a huge amount of intelligence. His smarts cross multiple areas, from the concrete to the esoteric. He can wax lyrical about almost any subject, bringing a sense of humanity and a sense of humour to the discussion, along with a sexy Scottish accent and a killer twinkle in the eye.

Adam Rutherford – If you want someone who is properly smart, you can’t do better than someone with a PhD in genetics. Mix that with a wicked sense of humour and dashing good looks, and you have a downright sexy individual. I have often fallen asleep listening to one of Adam’s podcasts, not due to the boring nature of it, but due to the fact that I just can’t stop listening and 27 episodes later, it’s 3am and I am sound asleep, still listening to his brilliantly funny and smart take on all things science.

Sean Finegan – as one third of the comedy group “Foil Arms and Hog” his comedy credentials are clear, but dig a little deeper and you can clearly see the intelligence behind the comedy that he performs. There’s the ability to understand the human condition in a way that makes seeing the funny side of some quite serious ideas possible. And Sean’s terrifically easy on the eye. This heady mix, along with a delightful Irish accent, mean I could watch hours of his work and never get bored, or turned off.

Brian Cox – I fell for Brian before I knew he was a genius; I fell for him as a musician. Then he got even sexier by being smart, and not just smart, but astrophysicist smart. His show with Robin Ince, “The Infinite Monkey Cage” show off his humour, and his ability to laugh at himself. So many seriously smart people are seriously lacking in humour, but Brian is often happy to be the butt of the joke, and often his own joke. He’s the current pin up boy for scientists not just for his looks, smarts and other talents, but for the mix of these elements.

Tim Minchin – (finally an Australian on the list!) You could pick Tim up and put him into just about any situation and he’d not be out of place. He’s equally at home cracking a joke, singing a song, or discussing the meaning of life. His personality overflows with compassion and sincerity, and a desirability for more knowledge. The ability to weave these aspects of his self together and then implode them in such a charismatic manner is what make him so incredibly attractive.

Greg Jenner – for a history buff like me, Greg embodies everything that I wanted to be when I studied history at school and at university. He is (along with the rest of the very clever people responsible for “Horrible Histories”) the reason behind my son’s insatiable appetite for history. The fact that he is smart but also feels so approachable, especially to kids, makes him incredibly sexy. His ability to inject humour into some very dark aspects of history is to be commended, to the point we can even forgive him being a Spurs supporter.

Matt Parkinson – we know he’s smart because he’s an excellent quizzer on the TV show "The Chase." We know he’s funny because he’s a successful stand-up comic. So, does this mean he’s sexy? Yes, it does, and he is. Even when he’s trying to dispatch contestants, his cheekiness and sarcasm oozes out of him. He’s a commanding physical presence but it exudes charisma that draws you in. He’s the sexy school teacher all the mums drool over at the school gate, but better. He's got that meet-you-at-the-pub vibe playing off the not-out-of-place-at-a-fancy-cocktail-party vibe. Irresistible.

Russell Howard – comedians who can blend social responsibility and actual humour deserve all the medals. He might swear like a trooper but there’s a childlike innocence to the passion Russell brings to his comedy. It’s completely endearing. His mind is incredibly sharp and only the best political commentators can inject humour, and only the best comedians can bring a gravitas, yet Russell does both incredibly well. He will have you laughing, and crying, and laughing again, all the while your fantasising about having your way with him.

Ken Dutton-Regester – you might not have heard of Ken until right this second but, with the twitter handle of @the_funkydr to live up to, he’d want to have something going for him, and does he ever. He’s a Australian cancer researcher who uses his humour and good looks to engage with people about a serious subject. How is that not considered sexy? Being passionate about something is very sexy and being able to pass on that passion makes his even sexier. Plus, he’s pretty hot, anyway.

Jon Richardson – last but definitely not least on this dinner party list, Jon seems to find himself on lists of “blokes you're ashamed to admit you find sexy” or some variation of this, and I’m hear to tell you that there is no shame. Jon is intelligent. Most good comedians are. But if you’ve seen him on “8 out of 10 cats does countdown” you will know that he’s not just funny-smart, he’s smart-smart. He’s not what you would call traditionally handsome, but he is very cute. He has the boy next door attractiveness blended with that nerdy sexiness.

What have I learnt from this little exercise? I have a penchant for residents of the United Kingdom but I knew that already. Being multi-talented is a huge turn on but, again, I already knew that, too. Maybe I've learnt that you’re never too old to have a crush on someone, and that if more people aspired to be smart and funny, there’d be a lot more sexy people in the world, and the world would be better for it.

Who Inspires Me

I think we draw inspiration from different spheres of our lives. If I look back at all the different people who have inspired me then there are quite a few of them.

The first is my mum. She raised me single-handedly and I think I turned out relatively ok. I’ve had my problems but all in all, I am a decent human being (I hope). She didn’t work so she’d be available to take me to all the sports I did. She scrimped and saved so I could do the sports I did. We didn’t have a proper holiday for 22 years. Now that I am a single mum myself, she has stood by me, helped me out and never shied away from any hardship life has put in her way.

The second person to inspire me was my 3rd Grade teacher, Mrs Levy. She believed in me, encouraged me and was always the most friendly, helpful and genuinely nice teacher I ever had. I’ve seen her a few times since I left primary school and every time I’ve seen her she’s been just the same as I remember her and she always remembers me, no matter how many years have past in the meantime.

The third person on the list is my old gymnastics coach, John. He taught me to be a better gymnast and a better coach, he didn’t take any of my crap and he gave me hell. He could be the most serious person on the face of the planet one second … the next he’d be pretending to be Dracula and trying to bite my neck. He also instilled in me the notion that all areas of gymnastics are important, from Kindergym right the way through. I think that if it hadn’t been for his inspiration I would be just like a lot of coaches I’ve known over the years that only aspire to teach competition kids, but I aspired to work with the kids who are fresh to the sport, who don’t want to go to the Olympics, who just want to have fun.

The fourth and fifth inspiring people are that for the same reason. They showed me what could be achieved if you set your mind to it, if you trained your arse off and didn’t listen to the nay-sayers. Of course, I never reached their lofty heights but I still aspire to be like them. They inspire me to continue in a sport when I could have turned my back so many times. They inspire me to do more than I think I’m capable of. Who are they? They are the most talented Tammy Bryant and Jayson Sutcliffe.

The sixth person of inspiration to me is one that is known to just about every school student across the western world: William Shakespeare. To be a writer of that calibre would be the most thrilling thing ever. He has inspired me to dabble in plays and poetry, short stories and screenplays (and blogging, of course). I hope that one day someone will like a work of mine enough to say, “I want to publish that.” Whether it happens or not is immaterial, the inspiration to be the best writer I can be stems from reading that very first play, and continues to inspire me to this day.

The seventh inspiration is comedian/actor/writer Craig Ferguson. Here is a man who has seen the ugly side of life, through alcohol and drug addiction, and has overcome them. It is inspirational that someone can pick himself or herself up out of the gutter, so to speak, and actually make something of their life. It tells me that it doesn’t matter how bad my life gets, as long as I want to change I can and as long as I draw breath there’s still hope.

The person who is my eighth inspiring person is Adam Goodes. If you don’t live in Australia and don’t follow Aussie Rules Football then you may not know who he is. He is one of the best players in the modern era. He is respectful and delightful to talk to. He gives of himself not only to his football club (the mighty Sydney Swans) but also to the community, especially the aboriginal community. He is unaffected by his fame and very down to earth by nature, a truly inspiring character.

My ninth inspiring person is Annie Sullivan. You may never have heard of this woman. She was a teacher in the late 1800s and early 1900s. She inspires me to be a better teacher, especially in regards to children with disabilities. Why should this teacher, with whom I have no contact with and who died long before I was born, inspire me so? She was the teacher who taught Helen Keller language (I’m sure you would have heard of Helen Keller but if not, she was a blind and deaf woman who became the first deaf and blind person to attain a Bachelor of Arts degree, as well as being an author, activist and lecturer). Helen Keller once said, “Once I knew only darkness and stillness... my life was without past or future... but a little word from the fingers of another fell into my hand that clutched at emptiness, and my heart leaped to the rapture of living.” What better summary of the blessing that Annie Sullivan gave to Helen. I can only hope that I touch the lives of the children I work with a fraction of that amount and I am inspired to persist when I might give up.

The last person on my list is by no means the least inspiring. They are, in fact, the most inspiring. This person is my son. He inspires me every day to be a better person so that he is a better person. He does not discriminate against people based on looks or religion or cultural background or mental or physical capabilities. He is happy and bubbly and social. He inspires in me a love like no other and an ability to forgive others that I have not known before (it doesn’t always work, but it works more than not).

So, it doesn’t matter who in your life inspires you, from those closest to you to those you’ve never met; if that person inspires you to be a better person then their job is done. It is up to you to be part of the next generation on inspirational people, even if to no-one but your own small circle of family and friends.

Writing Poetry

A poet’s work is to name the unnameable, to point at frauds, to take sides, start arguments, shape the world and stop it going to sleep. (Salman Rushdie)

I like to write. I will write about anything and everything. I do like, however, to get my teeth into a tough subject. I have written about religion. I have written about law and order. I have written about love and lust. Sometimes I will play the devil’s advocate just to get a feel for the other side. What I write is not necessarily what I believe. Sometimes being on the wrong side of the argument is more fun, especially when you know it’s pushing other people’s buttons. If I can make one person think about an issue and consider the pro’s and con’s of a subject then my work is done.

Poetry is like making a joke. If you get one word wrong at the end of a joke, you’ve lost the whole thing. (W.S. Merwin)

Quite often, I will write a poem and think it is ok. A few days later, I’ll read it and think there is something wrong with it. It can be a word, a line, a stanza; it can be the tone or flow. It doesn’t have to be a big thing either; the smallest mistake can ruin the whole poem. I suppose that’s why we need editors. Having said that, my poetry is written for no-one but myself. It doesn’t bother me if no-one else likes it or enjoys it. If I have enjoyed the creative process, it’s been a good day. If I enjoy the finished product that’s a great day. If other people like it then that’s a bonus.

Poetry isn’t a profession, it’s a way of life. It’s an empty basket; you put your life into it and make something out of that. (Mary Oliver)

It’s true that many poets write from personal experience, even when writing about something completely unfamiliar they will find something that they can relate to and run with that. For me, my poetry is very much from person experience and I’m quite sure that if the people I write about knew what I was writing about them they would be mortified, hence why I never publish names of people or poems containing the names of people along with my poetry if I can help it.

I am also someone who cannot turn off my brain when it comes to poetic thought. Not every thought makes it to paper, though, and I’m sure that some excellent lines have been lost to the wind because I haven’t had a piece of paper and pen handy. I see a flower and want to write an ode to it. My heart skips a beat for a handsome face and an epic begins to form in my mind.

Poetry is not a turning loose of emotion, but an escape from emotion; it is not the expression of personality, but an escape from personality. But, of course, only those who have personality and emotions know what it means to want to escape from these things. (T.S. Eliot)

I like to think I have personality and I know I have emotions. Some of my best (and worst) work has been at the height of an emotionally charged episode. I hope that I have injected some of my personality into my work. It’s a hard thing to judge, really. How much of yourself do you want to lay bear? The poems which work best for me are those that start out as pure, unadulterated emotion that, after reworking, develop a smoother edge. The initial outpouring is important; it lays the foundations for the work. The reworking is important also, it is being able to step out of yourself, to leave your own personality behind, and be objective.

Writing poetry is the hard manual labour of the imagination. (Ishmael Reed)

Finding the perfect word, or turn of phrase, to fit a line is the most difficult thing and the easiest thing in the world. When everything is flowing it hardly feels like work but when the words don’t fit and you need to exercise those little grey cells, the chore can seem laborious at best. The effort can sometimes feel like it’s not worth the reward, when the work is average at best and is what I like to call filler but when that magic happens and the right word worms its way through your brain to spill out onto the page then that is as near a religious experience as I am ever likely to experience.

Breathe in experience, breathe out poetry. (Muriel Rukeyser)

The older I get, the more I understand. The more I understand, the more I question. The more I question, the more I write. Every experience gives you the opportunity to expand your writing, to make it more in-depth or robust. The experiences that have shaped me are many and they all lend a little light so that I may see the big picture and the minor detail. Many of my works have similar subject matter but their metamorphosis can be seen as I have matured and experienced the world. The knowledge I have gained from living is equal to that I have gained through books and both inform my writing.

You can’t write poetry on the computer. (Quentin Tarantino)

Never has a more true statement been uttered. The computer is not conducive to creative flow; it is too impersonal, in my opinion. I prefer, for poetry, the feel of the pen and paper; the crossed out word, the changing of the order of the lines, the complete rewriting all show through in the hand-written form. A computer does not allow for humanity. For prose, I have no issue with computerised texts but poetry needs, for me, to be a more personal matter, which I can scribble and scrawl in my own fashion. I like to see the brain’s processes before I commit it to the computer screen.

I've got mixed feelings about poetry 'cause done well poetry is fantastic. But not many people are capable of doing it well. I think you should have some kind of license to perform poetry. A poetic license perhaps. (Craig Ferguson)

I tend to think everyone’s voice should be heard but those more capable should speak louder. I am not saying I should be one of those special people. I am in no doubt that not everyone like my work, or that everyone even likes poetry, and I also feel that beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

To read some of my poetry visit my other blog: Nona's Poetry Corner

Why I am in love with Craig Ferguson (or The Appeal of the Older Gentleman and Other Relationship Quandaries)

I know the psychology behind being interested in men that are significantly older (I’m talking 15 plus years here). It’s the whole absentee father thing. I get that. I am that girl. My dad was not around for a lot of my childhood. I’m not denying that it’s probably shaped the way I view men and the desire to have a nurturing male figure in my life. It doesn’t bother me in the slightest that I have a thing for older men. I’m not saying that it’s a good or bad thing. Just that it’s a thing. It’s also a thing I happen to have.

The other aspect to being attracted to older men is that they appear to be more stable, more reliable and definitely more mature. Because women tend to mature earlier than men do, they gravitate towards men who are at the same maturity level as them. I’m not sure if this applies to me. I think I matured in reverse. I was very much 14 going on 40. I think I am now 31 going on 13. So maybe this applied when I was younger but not so much now. Go figure.

As a teenager, I had the usual crushes on teachers and celebrities. Except they weren’t the usual crushes. It was normal, in that I had crushes. It was also abnormal, in that the object of my affections tended to be significantly older than myself. Most of the girls I went to school with thought older was, at most, 5 years their senior. For me, it was at least 5 years my senior. The boys my age didn’t really do anything for me, not like the men I knew did.

At the time of writing this, my main celebrity crushes are Craig Ferguson and Tim Roth. Noticing a theme? Both born in the UK. Both old enough to be my father. Oh, and they both have a slightly troubled quality to them, whether they play a troubled character or have a troubled past, there is a slight element of that bad-boy lustre which is so endearing to me, but that’s just the mother hen coming out in me.

I know I am not going to meet either of these people, except under miraculous circumstances. I also know that I am not going to have any kind of relationship with them, except under the most extraordinary of miraculous circumstances. They merely represent the type of man I seem to be attracted to, more so than any other at least. I wouldn’t say no to meeting them, and I definitely wouldn’t say no to a relationship with either of them, but the chances are somewhat less than likely. In fact, probably significantly less than likely.

Tim Roth plays characters that are the ultimate in bad boys. His eyes just burn into you. One look from him and you just fall to your knees in obedience. It’s that look which seems as if he sees into your soul. He’s got cult leader written all over his face. Obviously, this is based purely on the characters he plays. He plays that touch of evil so well it’s scary. It drives the bad girl side of me nuts. I want to let myself be swept up in his personality. And it’s a huge personality.

I am in awe of Tim Roth. I do not know how he finds the traits of personality that combine to make his characters. What I do know is that every performance I see of his leaves me wanting more. He is masterful. I am completely captivated by his performances. But he pales into insignificance when compared to the irrepressible Craig Ferguson.

Craig is, in my honest opinion, one of the most brilliant comedians on the face of the planet. He also wins as the best talk show host of all time (no exceptions, not even Oprah). I love his whole sarcastic, self-depreciating sense of humour. I love that he is nuts. I love that he can hold an intelligent conversation with someone without the need for cue cards. I love that he is irreverent and unconcerned with people’s opinions of him and doesn’t pander to his guests opinions, if he doesn’t agree he will say so. I also love that he is not ashamed to admit he has had problems in the past, with regards to his drinking and drug taking. Basically, I just love him. I also love that he is a father and he is realistic about what life is like as a father. I wish he weren’t married, but that’s a whole other topic.

Actually, it’s probably not another topic. I always want the guys I cannot have and what is more unavailable than a married man (apart from a married man who is also a celebrity)? Plus the fact that most attractive, heterosexual blokes who are over the age of 35 and interested in settling down are already settled. It kind of limits my pool of eligible gentlemen. I suppose when it comes to celebrities it doesn’t really matter if they’re married or not because it’s not going to happen anyhow.

I know that I wouldn’t be in a relationship with a married man. It’s not just that it’s morally wrong, it’s emotionally draining. I started dating a man who, unbeknownst to me at the time, was married. When he told me, I was crushed. Completely and utterly devastated. It felt like he’d ripped my heart out. Even though I thought I loved him I told him that I would not be the other woman, he would have to leave his wife or lose me. Naturally he chose his wife. They always do and I knew that he would, in the back of my mind, but it still hurt like nothing else.

I would never deliberately steal away someone’s husband (of course, if they left their wife for me, that’s a whole different story, but we’ve established that this doesn’t happen). This isn’t to say that I haven’t had crushes on married men, or that I haven’t flirted with them. It’s just that I wouldn’t put myself through the heartache of the inevitable rejection. The five minutes of fun is not worth anything.

In real life, most of the guys I’ve dated have been around my age, with the exception of my first boyfriend who was 14 years my senior. I think this is part of the reason why I like older men. None of the guys who are my age turn out very well. It surely can’t be my fault that every guy I’ve dated has left me. Oh, wait. It can. (This, ladies and gentlemen, is another explanation for why I am in love with Craig Ferguson, we even speak in the same fashion … though that may have something to do with the fact that I’ve been a fan of his for over 15 years and have picked up on his idiosyncratic manner of speaking.)

Honestly, everyone has a type. They might find a lot of different people attractive, with different looks and styles but everyone has a type they simply cannot resist. Mine just happens to be this: Scottish-American recovering substance abusers with the odd tattoo who are extremely intelligent and funny yet self-depreciating and have a proven record in fathering abilities. It narrows the field a little, I’ll admit, but a damn fine field it is and I wouldn’t change it for the world.

You’ll notice I haven’t really said anything about how a guy looks. This is because it doesn’t really bother me if a guy is pleasant or stunning or just average. To be perfectly frank, if I didn’t know who Tim Roth and Craig Ferguson were and they passed me on the street I might not give them a second glance because it’s their personality that has enthralled me and made me want them so badly. Actually, I would give them a second glance because they are good looking but I might not give them a third. I know some truly gorgeous looking blokes but wouldn’t want to date them because their personality does not gel with mine. Of course there has to be some physical attraction but for me, that is hugely secondary to their personality.

I do wish I could clone Craig Ferguson. Not in the scientific sense but in the science-fiction sense. I want an exact duplicate of him, looks and personality identical. He is, to me, what a partner should be: funny, intelligent, modest, creative, loving, quirky, fatherly, honest and a touch sarcastic. The trouble with having such a lofty ideal is that it is hard to measure up. And if I cloned him (in the aforementioned science-fiction sense) then his current wife could keep one and I could have the other … we just won’t mention that I plan on taking the original.

Really, when it comes down to it, if your partner doesn’t share (or at least tolerate) your sense of humour then there’s no point continuing. I have a very dry, sarcastic wit, if you can call it that. I’ve had boyfriends who have cited this as part of the reason they were breaking up with me. The humour you share is so important and if you don’t understand or like your partner’s humour then you’re going to have a very tough time of it, I think. This is not to say you have to find all the same things amusing, but there has to be some common ground to work with.

In the end all most of us want in a relationship is someone who makes us happy and who makes us feel safe. Whether they are your own age, 15 years older or 15 years younger, it doesn’t matter. Love is what matters.