Why I am in love with Craig Ferguson (or The Appeal of the Older Gentleman and Other Relationship Quandaries)

I know the psychology behind being interested in men that are significantly older (I’m talking 15 plus years here). It’s the whole absentee father thing. I get that. I am that girl. My dad was not around for a lot of my childhood. I’m not denying that it’s probably shaped the way I view men and the desire to have a nurturing male figure in my life. It doesn’t bother me in the slightest that I have a thing for older men. I’m not saying that it’s a good or bad thing. Just that it’s a thing. It’s also a thing I happen to have.

The other aspect to being attracted to older men is that they appear to be more stable, more reliable and definitely more mature. Because women tend to mature earlier than men do, they gravitate towards men who are at the same maturity level as them. I’m not sure if this applies to me. I think I matured in reverse. I was very much 14 going on 40. I think I am now 31 going on 13. So maybe this applied when I was younger but not so much now. Go figure.

As a teenager, I had the usual crushes on teachers and celebrities. Except they weren’t the usual crushes. It was normal, in that I had crushes. It was also abnormal, in that the object of my affections tended to be significantly older than myself. Most of the girls I went to school with thought older was, at most, 5 years their senior. For me, it was at least 5 years my senior. The boys my age didn’t really do anything for me, not like the men I knew did.

At the time of writing this, my main celebrity crushes are Craig Ferguson and Tim Roth. Noticing a theme? Both born in the UK. Both old enough to be my father. Oh, and they both have a slightly troubled quality to them, whether they play a troubled character or have a troubled past, there is a slight element of that bad-boy lustre which is so endearing to me, but that’s just the mother hen coming out in me.

I know I am not going to meet either of these people, except under miraculous circumstances. I also know that I am not going to have any kind of relationship with them, except under the most extraordinary of miraculous circumstances. They merely represent the type of man I seem to be attracted to, more so than any other at least. I wouldn’t say no to meeting them, and I definitely wouldn’t say no to a relationship with either of them, but the chances are somewhat less than likely. In fact, probably significantly less than likely.

Tim Roth plays characters that are the ultimate in bad boys. His eyes just burn into you. One look from him and you just fall to your knees in obedience. It’s that look which seems as if he sees into your soul. He’s got cult leader written all over his face. Obviously, this is based purely on the characters he plays. He plays that touch of evil so well it’s scary. It drives the bad girl side of me nuts. I want to let myself be swept up in his personality. And it’s a huge personality.

I am in awe of Tim Roth. I do not know how he finds the traits of personality that combine to make his characters. What I do know is that every performance I see of his leaves me wanting more. He is masterful. I am completely captivated by his performances. But he pales into insignificance when compared to the irrepressible Craig Ferguson.

Craig is, in my honest opinion, one of the most brilliant comedians on the face of the planet. He also wins as the best talk show host of all time (no exceptions, not even Oprah). I love his whole sarcastic, self-depreciating sense of humour. I love that he is nuts. I love that he can hold an intelligent conversation with someone without the need for cue cards. I love that he is irreverent and unconcerned with people’s opinions of him and doesn’t pander to his guests opinions, if he doesn’t agree he will say so. I also love that he is not ashamed to admit he has had problems in the past, with regards to his drinking and drug taking. Basically, I just love him. I also love that he is a father and he is realistic about what life is like as a father. I wish he weren’t married, but that’s a whole other topic.

Actually, it’s probably not another topic. I always want the guys I cannot have and what is more unavailable than a married man (apart from a married man who is also a celebrity)? Plus the fact that most attractive, heterosexual blokes who are over the age of 35 and interested in settling down are already settled. It kind of limits my pool of eligible gentlemen. I suppose when it comes to celebrities it doesn’t really matter if they’re married or not because it’s not going to happen anyhow.

I know that I wouldn’t be in a relationship with a married man. It’s not just that it’s morally wrong, it’s emotionally draining. I started dating a man who, unbeknownst to me at the time, was married. When he told me, I was crushed. Completely and utterly devastated. It felt like he’d ripped my heart out. Even though I thought I loved him I told him that I would not be the other woman, he would have to leave his wife or lose me. Naturally he chose his wife. They always do and I knew that he would, in the back of my mind, but it still hurt like nothing else.

I would never deliberately steal away someone’s husband (of course, if they left their wife for me, that’s a whole different story, but we’ve established that this doesn’t happen). This isn’t to say that I haven’t had crushes on married men, or that I haven’t flirted with them. It’s just that I wouldn’t put myself through the heartache of the inevitable rejection. The five minutes of fun is not worth anything.

In real life, most of the guys I’ve dated have been around my age, with the exception of my first boyfriend who was 14 years my senior. I think this is part of the reason why I like older men. None of the guys who are my age turn out very well. It surely can’t be my fault that every guy I’ve dated has left me. Oh, wait. It can. (This, ladies and gentlemen, is another explanation for why I am in love with Craig Ferguson, we even speak in the same fashion … though that may have something to do with the fact that I’ve been a fan of his for over 15 years and have picked up on his idiosyncratic manner of speaking.)

Honestly, everyone has a type. They might find a lot of different people attractive, with different looks and styles but everyone has a type they simply cannot resist. Mine just happens to be this: Scottish-American recovering substance abusers with the odd tattoo who are extremely intelligent and funny yet self-depreciating and have a proven record in fathering abilities. It narrows the field a little, I’ll admit, but a damn fine field it is and I wouldn’t change it for the world.

You’ll notice I haven’t really said anything about how a guy looks. This is because it doesn’t really bother me if a guy is pleasant or stunning or just average. To be perfectly frank, if I didn’t know who Tim Roth and Craig Ferguson were and they passed me on the street I might not give them a second glance because it’s their personality that has enthralled me and made me want them so badly. Actually, I would give them a second glance because they are good looking but I might not give them a third. I know some truly gorgeous looking blokes but wouldn’t want to date them because their personality does not gel with mine. Of course there has to be some physical attraction but for me, that is hugely secondary to their personality.

I do wish I could clone Craig Ferguson. Not in the scientific sense but in the science-fiction sense. I want an exact duplicate of him, looks and personality identical. He is, to me, what a partner should be: funny, intelligent, modest, creative, loving, quirky, fatherly, honest and a touch sarcastic. The trouble with having such a lofty ideal is that it is hard to measure up. And if I cloned him (in the aforementioned science-fiction sense) then his current wife could keep one and I could have the other … we just won’t mention that I plan on taking the original.

Really, when it comes down to it, if your partner doesn’t share (or at least tolerate) your sense of humour then there’s no point continuing. I have a very dry, sarcastic wit, if you can call it that. I’ve had boyfriends who have cited this as part of the reason they were breaking up with me. The humour you share is so important and if you don’t understand or like your partner’s humour then you’re going to have a very tough time of it, I think. This is not to say you have to find all the same things amusing, but there has to be some common ground to work with.

In the end all most of us want in a relationship is someone who makes us happy and who makes us feel safe. Whether they are your own age, 15 years older or 15 years younger, it doesn’t matter. Love is what matters.