White Ribbon Day: A day I wish we didn’t need

He doesn't have to hit you for it to be abuse. He can degrade, humiliate, blame, curse, manipulate, or try to control you. Its still Domestic Violence. (unknown)

November 25^th is White Ribbon Day. It’s a day where people band together in support of the abolition of violence against women and, in particular, domestic violence. It’s a day for men to stand up, loud and proud, and say they would never hit a woman. It’s also a day for women to say they refuse to be the victim. But domestic violence isn’t just about the physical threat. Domestic abuse can come in all forms.

"Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will make me go in a corner and cry by myself for hours." (Eric Idle)

 

The idea that it’s not damaging if it’s not physical is a very old one. Quite often the emotional scars are the last to heal but they are somehow downgraded, much as the schoolyard bullies snide remarks are brushed aside. How a woman values herself is instrumental to the family dynamic and if she sees herself as worthless, incapable or a non-entity because that is all she has ever been told then that is how other people will come to see her and that is how she will behave.

If the numbers we see in domestic violence were applied to terrorism or gang violence, the entire country would be up in arms, and it would be the lead story on the news every night. (Mark Green)

 

The statistics are frightening. For the full survey, head to:

University of New South Wales "Domestic Violence Statistics"

 

• 23% of women who had ever been married or in a de-facto relationship, experienced violence by a partner at some time during the relationship.
• Half of women experiencing violence by their current partner experienced more than one incident of violence.
• 12% of women who reported violence by their current partner at some stage during the relationship, said they were currently living in fear.

 
Women often stay in abuse relationships. The excuses they give are many and varied. I use the term “excuses” quite deliberately. A “reason” implies some sort of rational explanation. There is no rational explanation for staying in an abusive relationship.

Leaving an abusive partner is a very difficult thing to do. It frequently feels like you are failing, or destroying your family, or not trying to work things out, or not giving your partner “a second chance.” It hurts, and it’s scary. (Blaine Nelson)

 

Whether the woman stays for the sake of the children, the lack of belief that she deserves any better, the misguided notion that she can fix her abuser or a hold by religious tenant that demands “til death do us part”, the result, inevitably will be the same. The abuse will continue once the precedent has been set.

But leaving your abusive partner is not the final step. In fact, 35% of women who experienced violence from their partner did so during periods of separation. Leaving is, in actuality, the first step. It is the first step in reclaiming your life, your independence and your self.

There are a number of support services across the world set up with the sole intention of assisting women leaving abusive relationships but before you even get there, your first stop should the local police station. They will document your side of the incident, even if you don’t want to pursue it further (though I strongly suggest you do, especially if it is chronic abuse). They will then direct you to the appropriate organisation to help you in your area. Other professions who are able to help are your local doctor, counsellors, psychologists, mental health departments (going to these doesn’t mean you are crazy or have some illness, they are there to help you deal with the emotional and psychological fallout of the situation) and DOCS (especially if there are children involved).

 

If you are reading this and you are in an abusive relationship, here is my advice: tell someone. More often than not, your close friends and family have already noticed or suspected. They may have even tried to help you previously. If your partner has cut you off from your support network and filled your life with his friends and acquaintances, reach out to those people who knew you before you met your partner, or who you lost contact with while with your partner. You would be surprised at how many would help you, if only they knew what was wrong, or if only you reached out for the help.

You may think that the people you know won’t believe you, there are other (impartial) people you can go to. Most of them I have detailed above. They are people who will not be swayed by your partners public persona, which can often be suave and charming and friendly. They will understand if there is little to no evidence, especially in the cases of emotional abuse. They will provide you with resources and information to not only get you away from your partner but also to help set up your new life.

Remember, you are not the one at fault. You have done nothing wrong. You don’t deserve to be hit because the dishes weren’t done. You don’t deserve a tirade of verbal abuse because you were 5 minutes late. You don’t deserve to be belittled because you have a different opinion about something.

So …

To all the men who have taken the oath this year, and every year, to stand up to violence against women in all its guises, thank you.

To all the women who won’t be victims, be proud.

And …

To all the women, waiting for a sign to get out, it’s not going to be a 20 foot high flashing neon sign, it’s you reading this blog. Take that first step and be proud.

Thanksgiving Australian Style

Ok, so we don’t actually do Thanksgiving in Australia, nor would I want to start another tradition for the commercial sector to ruin, though I do like the idea of occasionally sitting back and thinking (and I mean really thinking) about what you are thankful for.

There’s lots to be thankful for in this life: there’s the big things (like family, friends, a home, a job) and there’s the little things (like the weather being co-operative, a flower blooming or a much wanted item going on sale just when you were about to give up on getting it). What I want to do is take a look at some of the things I am thankful for and why I am thankful for them.

1. I am thankful to be alive.

So many times, especially when I was younger, I thought about not being alive and how I would go about making that happen. I am thankful I never went through with it. I am thankful that I saw the worth in myself that others didn’t see. I am thankful that I survived.

2. I am thankful for my son.

Infuriating though he can sometimes be I am forever thankful that I have him, that he is happy and healthy, and that he is so full of life. I am thankful that I decided to keep him when I could have either terminated or given him up for adoption. I am thankful that, no matter what, I will always be his mother and he will always be my baby, no matter how old he gets,

3. I am thankful for my job.

I may complain bitterly about it at times, may rage at the unfathomable decisions made by the higher ups, may get in trouble for expressing that rage, but, in the end, I do love my job. I am thankful for the people it allows me to meet. I am thankful for the opportunities it presents to me. I am thankful for the colleagues I have. I am thankful for the understanding it provides me when I call in sick or have to take time off to be a mum. I am also thankful for the pay it gives me, that buys my food and lets me take holidays.

4. I am thankful for my friends.

They may live far and wide and get consumed by their own lives at times but they are always a call, a text, an email or a FB message away when I need them. I am thankful that they tell me when I’m being an idiot (even if I don’t always listen) and I am thankful for their support. I am thankful for the diversity they exhibit in their humour, their jobs, their lifestyles, their sexuality and their beliefs.

5. I am thankful for my mother.

Not just because she’s my mother. She’s also my financial planner, my babysitter and my housekeeper. I’m not sure what I will do without her when she eventual steps off this mortal coil, but in the meantime I’m thankful everything she does.

6. I am thankful for the Australian education system.

It may not be the best in the world but I think it’s pretty good. It doesn’t matter how old you are or what your background is, if you want an education you can get one. It has provided me with not only 13 years of extremely inexpensive public education; it has provided me with 6 years of higher education, which I only pay back once my earnings reach a certain level. From these years of education, I have learned not only specific information, such as the equation for the circumference, but general knowledge, such a critical thinking. Without my education I would not be able to write this blog (I’ll leave it to you to decide whether that’s a good thing or not).

7. I am thankful for the freedoms I enjoy.

I live in a society that is relatively free from persecution. There will be closed-minded people, religious zealots, ignorant fools and all manner of other types of people who try to force others into their way of thinking. I am thankful that the State does not, on a whole, sanction their idiocy. I am free to think what I want, to believe what I want, to love who I want, to travel where I want. I am also thankful that those freedoms are being afforded to more and more of my fellow citizens as we move toward a truly equal society based on merit not on misconceptions.

8. I am thankful for today’s technology,

Without having to miss a beat, I can search for anything and everything online, from the mass-produced to the obscure and rare. I can connect with friends and family on the other side of the world instantly. I can store food for days, weeks, months without it going off. I can cook a meal (well, not me personally, other people can) without slaving over the stove all day, unless you really want to.

9. I am thankful for nature.

I am thankful for the birds that sing, the fish that swim, the clouds that float by, the waves that crash, the flowers that bloom, the wind that sighs, the cats that purr, the children that laugh, the rain that falls and the sun that shines. I am thankful for life on earth and my ability to experience it in all its wonders. That life gives me life. Its existence allows for my existence. I am thankful for nature in all its majesty.

10. I am thankful for my readers.

Few though you may be, without you I’d be talking to myself. I have always said I don’t write for anyone for myself and that is true, but it is always nice to know someone is casting a discerning eye over these random meanderings of mine and perhaps taking something from them that is more than a simple understanding of what has been written.

Happy Thanksgiving, America ... and everyone else as well