The Dream

When I was a young girl I wanted to be an architect. I told my mum that I would design and build her the perfect house. Of course, I changed my mind in high school to sports psychologist. Then changed my mind again at uni to teacher. Then changed it again after the birth of my son to, well, parent.

I’d always wanted to have children of my own. I wanted a small army at one point. As the years wore on I realised that I wasn’t going to have the dozens (slight exaggeration, maybe) of children I had first envisioned but I still wanted lots of them. After the birth of my first I knew it was going to be unrealistic to hope for the tribe of children I had once dreamed of but I held out hope that he would not be my one and only.

In todays society, wanting to be a stay and home mum is somewhat frowned on. To not have an ambition outside of the domestic sphere is viewed as underachieving. I think it’s wrong to think that women need to have a family and a career to be fully satisfied, just as it is wrong to say they should choose one over the other. Personally, I would like to have my primary occupation be parent. I would love to be able to have a job that afforded me the time to spend with my son. Unfortunately, my work is with children and is both in- and out-of-school-hours. It also doesn’t pay well enough for me to be able to only work the in-school-hours shifts. But I do love my job. I love working with the kids. It really is my dream job.

People say to me I should get a real job, become a teacher if I only want to work school hours. I hate the condescension, as if what I do for a living isn’t good enough. Well, I have a real job. Just because I don’t sit behind a desk all the time doesn’t devalue what I do. Would they tell a PE teacher to get a real job? And realistically, what business is it of anyone else what I do for a job?

The other part of my dream, related to wanting children, is the desire to be a wife. Since I was a teenager this idea has been unwavering. The dream that one day I will find someone who loves me enough to want to spend the rest of their life with me is one I have held onto for a long time. People tell me, when I bemoan the fact that I haven’t found that person, that I shouldn’t pin my happiness on another person and that I should make my own happiness. I wonder what they are thinking when they tell me that.

Is it wrong for me to want to love someone and to be loved? Just because I don’t like the fact that I haven’t found the one doesn’t mean I’m not happy with what I have. I love my son. I love my job. I have awesome friends. I go out and enjoy life. There is just a part of me that is empty. I can find happiness in any other part of my life yet I am basically accused of being ungrateful for what I have because I miss the companionship and love of another human being. And those of you who claim that you can replace that love you are missing with the love of friends and children can, quite frankly, go to hell because what’s true for you may not be true for everyone else. In fact, it may not be true for anyone else.

So, one day I will get my dream pay packet and buy my dream house and support my dream family with my dream man. And I know that at least some of you are sitting there thinking, “stop dreaming and get on with life,” so I say this to you … what if no-one dared to dream, where would we be then?