Philosophical Musings by a Curious Mind

If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into? If you try to answer this question, you may just drive yourself insane. Philosophy, of course, can be rather like that. The search for meaning and logic in this world of hours can often seem fruitless. In this entry I have not tried to categorically answer the questions. I have tried to put forward my own thoughts on them as well as, hopefully, giving a more objective look at some of the questions. Whether you agree with my analysis or not, I hope that this sparks your imagination in some way.

Why is there something rather than nothing?

The question of how and why the universe came to be is one that has caused even the brightest might to pause. I don’t think that anyone can definitively answered this question without calling it a fluke or accident. This, of course, assumes you believe in a scientific rather than religious explanation for the existence of everything in the universe and the the universe itself. There is a strong push for the theory that the universe arose spontaneously, through self-organizing evolution. There is, however, no specific evidence of what set this process in motion, though the idea of a quantum fluctation in the vacuum of space has been put forward.

So, why is there something rather than nothing? Well, it’d be pretty boring without anything, wouldn’t it?

Why is the world the way it is?

The process by which the world came into existence and turned out the way it did is as complex a method as anything known to man. Why our planet is able to sustain life as we know it is mainly down to it’s distance from the sun, it’s gravitational force and it’s relative safety from the bombardment of asteroids. Once the building blocks of life are established then it is down to natural selection to drive evolution, leading to the multitude of plants and animals currently inhabiting the world. Georgraphically, the planet has been shaped by many violent forces, from plate techtonics to storm activity and meteor strikes. It has created a world of deep ocean trenches, mountains that reach far beyond the clouds, vast deserts and dense jungles. These differing natural habitats have lead evolution on a merry dance down many divergent and convergent paths creating a miriad of living things, more than one person could ever imagine in a lifetime.

From a more human perspective, the world is the way it is because of the effect that humans have on each other. Different emotions lead to different reactions in different people depending of their predisposition to react in a certain manner. Some people may be more likely to react with violence to certain situations, or may percieve prejudice where there is none. They may become more determined when faced with adversity or loathe the idea of inequality and strive to remedy this. Greed is a key determining factor in why the world is the way it is: the desire for more land, more money, more power and more influence all come under this banner.

There are many major factors in the determination of why the human world is the way it is which are created by humans themseleves as a result of these reactions. These include war, scientific breakthroughs and technology. Politics and trade create both harmony and tension between different peoples around the world.

Where do we come from?

Depending on who you ask, humans were either created by God/s or evolved as part of the natural selection process. Scientifically, humankind has undergone many transformations in its history. If we look at the major milestones which led to modern humans from an evolutionary point of view we are confronted with the following:

Order:                   Primates:                              Primates:                              75 million years ago

Superfamily:       Hominoidea:                       Apes:                                      28 million years ago

Family:                 Hominidea:                          Great Apes:                          15 million years ago

Orangutans – separate out here

Subfamily:           Homininea:                                                                          8 million years ago

Gorillas – separate out here

Tribe:                    Hominini:                                                                             5.8 million years ago

Chimpanzees – separate out here

Bonobos – separate out here

Subtribe:               Hominina:                            Bipedal Apes:                      3 million years ago

Sahelanthropus tchadensis                               7 million – 6 million years ago

Orrorin tugenensis                              6 million years ago

Ardipithecus ramidus                         5.8 million – 4.4 million years ago

Ardipithecus kadabba                        5.8 million – 5.2 million years ago

Australopithecus anamensis             4.2 million – 3.9 million years ago

Australopithecus afarensis                               3.9 million – 2.9 million years ago

Kenyanthropus platyops                   3.5 million – 3.3 million years ago

Australopithecus africanus               3 million – 2 million years ago

Australopithecus aethiopicus           2.6 million – 2.3 million years ago

Australopithecus garhi                      2.5 million years ago

Australopithecus boisei                     2.1 million – 1.1 million years ago

Australopithecus robustus                                2 million – 1.5 million years ago

Australopithecus sediba                    1.95 million – 1.8 million years ago

Genus:                   Homo:                                                                                   2.5 million years ago

Homo habilis                                        2.4 million – 1.5 million years ago

Homo gautengensis                            2 million – 600,000 years ago

Homo erectus                                       1.8 million – 300,000 years ago

Homo ergaster                                     1.8 million – 300,000 years ago

Homo georgicus                                  1.8 million years ago

Homo floresiensis                                1.1 million – 17,000 years ago

Homo antecessor                                 780,000 years ago

Homo heidelbergensis                        500,000 years ago

Homo neanderthalensis                     230,000 – 30,000 years ago

Species:                 Homo Sapiens:                    Humans:                               0.5 million years ago

Subspecies:           Homo Sapiens Sapiens:    Modern Humans:               0.2 million years ago

When you think about the idea that modern humans co-existed with other humanoid species for thousands of years, and possibly interacted with them, and the fact that so many different species of hominids have been discovered, it is amazing that only we survived the evolutionary process.

There are too many religious explanations for where we come from to do them all justice, so I will stick to the one I am most familiar with – Christianity. The bible states that man was created out of the dust. This implies that man’s physical body is irrelevant and that it is the breath of life, given by God, that is important. This breath of life, relates to the spirit or soul. To say that man was created in the image of God is to say that God gave Man the same attributes as he himself possessed, such as intelligence, will and emotion.

Some religious scholars believe that the book of Genesis, in describing mankind as being descended from a single individual, teaches certain lessons, rather than being a literal translation on actual events: taking one life is equivalent to destroying the entire world, and saving one life is equivalent to saving the entire world; a person should not say to anyone that he comes from better stock because we all came from the same ancestor; and to teach the greatness of God, for when human beings create a mold every thing that comes out of that mold is identical, while mankind, which comes out of a single mold, is different in that every person is unique.

There are also Evolutionary-Creationists who believe that God created the matter in the universe and the building blocks for life but left the rest up to the evolutionary process. They see the story of Adam and Eve as a cautionary tale outlining the results of going against the wishes of God.

As far as translating this religious hypothesis into scientific language, I believe that God is synonymous for the universe. The creation of man from the earth is analogous with the evolution of man from primodial soup to intelligent creature and that the breath of life represents the critical step from mere primate to human.

Who are we?

There are many traits that make us human, such as self-awareness and free moral agency, speech and symbolic cognition, our nimble thumbs, conscience and the capacity to imagine. They distinguish us from other species, especially those closest to us genetically (chimps and other hominid species), but it merely tells us what we are and not who we are. Who we are comes from the manifestations of these qualities.

More than any quality that defines us as human, it is our social and emotional contributions which define who we are: our ability to love, to have faith in things which cannot be proven and to learn about things not in our immediate sphere of influence; our ability to sympathise and empathise, to show compassion, tolerance and acceptance of difference; and our ability grow and change as individuals.

Where are we going?

The development of the human mind has been incredibly rapid evolutionarily speaking. If we continue to increase our brain power there is no knowing where we will end up. There is wonderful optimism inherent in the thought of what human nature will be like in the coming milleniums. There is, however, a dark pessimism which pervades also. This has to do with the struggle of good and evil within the individual and society as a whole. Will the advent of new technologies be used for the betterment of mankind or be its downfall? There is a trend for scientific discoveries to be co-opted by the mechanisms of war and there is a fear that any future developments, no matter how benign they appear to be will be corrupted by the war machine to the detriment of humankind.

Of course, humanity has the power to create it’s own future, it’s one of the features that makes humans human. What we dream we can create and do. As individuals we all dream of something better and if we can harness that power of positivity as a society then there are no bounds to the amazing things that we can achieve.

Is there a God?

Well, that depends on who you ask. I don’t know if there is a God. I do not have an underlying faith in any particular God. I reject the Christian idea of an omnipotent God and do not believe in the literalness of the Bible. This type of belief in a God or Gods signifies a method for explaining that which cannot be explained scientifically. If there is a God, I believe that it is within each individual, like a moral compass, that guides our actions but does not pre-determine them.

Do not believe in anything simply because you have heard it. Do not believe in anything simply because it is spoken and rumored by many. Do not believe in anything simply because it is found written in your religious books. Do not believe in anything merely on the authority of your teachers and elders. Do not believe in traditions simply because they have been handed down for many generations. But after observation and analysis, when you find that anything agrees with reason and is conducive to the good and benefit of one and all, then accept it and live up to it. Siddhãrtha Gautama (Buddha)

Christianity believes in a single God who is all powerful. The first commandment is “thou shalt have no other God before me”. This leads one to the question of whether Christianity allows for the presence of other dieties but thinks that theirs is better and should be followed above all others, or whther it merely suggests that other deities are artificial and should be abandoned in preference for the one true God. Islam also has in a single God who has 99 names. God, the creator, is just, omnipotent and merciful. "Allah" is the Arabic word for “one true God”. There is a lot of cross over between Christianity and Islam, however, the deification of Jesus by some denominations of Christianity is seen as blasphemous by Muslims as they believe it shows polytheism which goes against their idea of there only being one true God. Judaism holds faith in a single deity, the same deity as Christianity, the major difference being that those of the Jewish faith do not believe that Jesus was the son of God.

Hinduism recognises a single deity and views other Gods as aspects of this single deity, which has led to it being seen as one of the most tolerant of all the world religions. It also has, because of the wide variety of belief systems which go into its make up, the notable feature of having freedom of belief and practice meanings it’s follows are free to believe and practice as they see fit. In Baha’i there is a belief in a single God who has sent many prophets throughout human history, including Adam, Krishna, Buddha, Jesus, Mohammed, The Bab and Baha’u’llah. This provides a cross over between Christianity, Islam, Buddhism and Hinduism.

Shinto believes in Kami (deities) but they bear little resemblence to monotheistic dieties. They are benign entities which protect and help their people. They are more closely related to the nature gods of pagan religions. Sikhs believe in a single, Formless God, with many names, who can be known through meditation. They believe his name is synonymous with truth and that he is the creator of everything. They also believe that he is without fear or hate and that he is immortal and, therefore beyond birth and death. Only he can be worshiped as all other Gods are false Gods. In Vodun, also known as Voodoo (though this word has been demonised by western culture), has a central God (Olorun), a lesser God (Obatala) and a pantheon of spirits (Loa) which resemble in nature the saints of Catholicism.

What all this means, naturally, is that this question cannot be answered unequivocably due to the simple reason that people believe in different things. The majority of people believe in some sort of God, they have faith their God’s existence, but there are also people who have no concept of God or believe there is no God at all.

In Taoism the idea of a personified deity is a foreign one, as is the concept of a creator God, who formed the universe. Therefore, they do not pray as such because there is no God to hear the prayers or to act upon them. They seek to answer life's problems through meditation and observation. Jainism does not believe in a God, but believe the universe exists as a series of layers: 30 layers of heaven (the upper world), the earth and the rest of the universie (the middle world) and 7 layers of hell (the nether world). They also believe the universe has no beginning and will have no ending.

Buddhism does not believe in a God, though it does not deny the existence of a God or Gods either. Buddhists believe in a rebirth of the soul until enlightenment is achieved and the soul reaches Nirvana.

At its core Buddhism is a non-theistic religion and, unlike other world religions, Buddhism is not a doctrine of revelation. The Buddha did not claim to be the bearer of a message from on high. He made it clear that what he taught he had discovered for himself through his own efforts. The Buddha himself is revered not as a deity or supernatural being but as a very special kind of human being. Kerry Trembath (former Secretary of the Buddhist Council of New South Wales)

There is debate, due to the nature of Buddhism, as to whether it is a religion or a philosophy. If you define religion as being based on one or many deities then Buddhism fails to meet this criteria and is therefor not a religion. If you define religion as Clifford Geertz, an anthropologist from Princeton, does (that being an organized approach to human spirituality which usually encompasses a set of narratives, symbols, beliefs and practices, often with a supernatural or transcendent quality, that give meaning to the practitioner's experiences of life through reference to a higher power, God or gods, or ultimate truth) then Buddhism does indeed fall under the umbrella of religion.

The person who has a lack of belief in a God or Gods is referred to as an Atheist. The “undecided voter” in religious terms is Agnostic. Taoists, Jainists and Buddhists fall into these two categories.

The question of whether there is a God or not is a very individual and personal question. Everyone has to answer the question for themselves based on their own “proof”. Whether there is a God or not, and whether you believe or not, should not be a factor in determining the validity of someone’s life. I find it disturbing that people will dislike or even hate someone based on their religious belief. Just like it is irrational to dislike someone for their favourite colour, it is irrational to dislike someone for their choice of religion.

The real question should be: Would the existence of a God make you act differently from how you would act if there were no God? In a perfect world, it should not matter. People should treat each other with respect and dignity regardless of what may or may not happen to them in the afterlife. The idea of Heaven, for example, should be a reward for good behaviour not a bribe to ensure it.

What is good and what is evil?

From a purely evolutionary standpoint, good is that which benefits the survival of the species. There really isn’t evil, evolutionarily. There is indifferent. There is harmful. There is no evil and this is why:

Evil implies, for me at least, intention to do ill will. Evolution does not have will. It is mankind that has will and can exercise that will. I believe that people can be evil. I believe that people can be wired so that they enjoy inflicting pain and suffering. I also believe that those people can choose to deal with it or not deal with it. It is in choosing not to deal with it that one becomes evil. There are also no inherently evil acts. There are acts which are bad, like killing someone, but it is the intention with which the act is performed that makes the act evil, not the act itself.

What is knowledge?

Knowledge is defined as information and skills acquired through experience or education; the theoretical or practical understanding of a subject.

There is a quote by Albert Einstein that goes, “a little knowledge is a dangerous thing.” This is very true. All too often people jump into a situation where they have the information about what they are doing but not the understanding to put that information to use, with sometimes detrimental and sometimes catastrophic results.

Knowledge allows us to make informed decisions. It gives us a greater capacity for a fulfilling life. The knowledge we amass over the course of our lifetime can bring us joy, help us to get through pain and give us tools for survival. This knowledge comes in all forms: knowledge of how to cook and look after ourselves, knowledge of how to relate to people, knowledge of how to complete tasks for monetary renumeration, and knowledge of love and other emotional responses.

Knowledge of a specific area in minute detail can benefit the whole world. Brilliant minds able to store information, process it and spit out knowledge are the backbone of progress in our society. With this knowledge, however, comes great responsibility. It befalls society to set a mandate for the use of knowledge and to enforce it’s rule. Should the knowledge be used for the benefit of the fe at the expence of the majority then we have failed as a society to protect not only ourselves but all future generations.

What is truth?

Truth is subjective. Is that statement true? It is truthful subject to you agreeing with it. It has been said that there are no absolute truths. I believe that there can be mathematical or scientific truths, eg. 1+1=2 and copper is a metal. I also believe that the truth of other things is more constructed than self-evident.

Winston Churchill once said, “History is written by the victors.” This idea can also be applied to truth, as history is supposedly the truth of past events. It has been shown, by the comparison of historic texts from differing views, that the truth is history is often not written by either side but lies somewhere in the middle.

As humans, we do not see objectively. We see how we have been taught to see. Take for example the following scenario:

A man is witnessed by three people picking up a child, who is kicking and screaming, and putting them into a car before driving off. The first witness, who knows neither the man nor the child, calls the police and reports and abduction. When the police arrive they interview the second witness, who only knows the child, being their teacher. This person has never known the child to act in that manner and confirms the theory of abduction. The third witness, who knows both the man and the child and is a friend of the child’s mother, tells the police that the man is the child’s estranged father who hasn’t been in the child’s life for months. The police then locate the man and the child at the man’s home where the child is playing happily.

What was the truth of the situation? The man, having been through a messy divorce, had not seen his child for some months. Having agreed on a custody arrangement, the man picks the child up from school but, having promised the child a trip to the park and the park being closed for refurbishment, the child throws a tantrum. The witnesses cannot be blamed for the assumed truth they thought they saw as they have been programmed by their own experiences to see this situation as sinister, rather than innocent.

I am not saying that all witnesses would have seen the above example the same way and that is my point. Having all the available facts are what make the truth visable to us, yet many of us operate with only half the facts and assume truths where perhaps there are none.

What is consciousness?

Consciousness is defined as the state of being awake and aware of one's surroundings or the awareness or perception of something by a person. It is this second half of the definition with which I am primarily concerned. Being conscious of your own self is two fold. There is how you view yourself and how you believe you are viewed by others. This goes for physical and psychological self conciousness. It can affect your entire life depending on how you perceive yourself.

Counsciousness of your surroundings is also important for survival. Being aware of how people will reaction is vital but being able to percieve how people might react is paramount. Whether we subscribe to the theory that there is a higher consciousness which can be attained is a personal decision. It makes the assumption that there can be some sort of ascension of the mind to a high plane of thinking. I tend to be of the belief that all humans are capable of any level of thinking or consciousness given the correct tools.

Do we have a "free will"?

First we must define free will. It is the power of acting without the constraint of necessity or fate, or the ability to act at one's own discretion. What this means is that the choice of action is left to the individual and is not predetermined.

There are many factors in the debate over free will. There is the idea that the past and present determine the future. Whether this principle is enough to completely override free will is in itself debatable. I believe that the past and present limit the choices we can make but still leave enough variation in choice that free will can be exerted.

The idea that all behaviors, beliefs, and desires are fixed by our genetic endowment and our biochemical makeup is one that has some scientific basis. However, in  a very strict reading of this theory only nature is taken into account and not nurture which leads to the debate over nature versus nurture, or biological versus environmental factors. In a looser reading of the theory, environment can also predetermine outcomes of behavioural choices.

The other factor that plays a large part in people’s perception of the concept of free will is the existance of a God or Gods, and their possible intervention in the affairs of man. For some, God is the only one who can determine the future and therefore negates the free will of man as all actions have been predetermined by God. For others, God gave man free will and allows man to exercise this free will. For yet others still, God gave man free will but reserves the right to interfere when necessary, giving the illusion of free will so long as that will chooses the path determined as acceptable by God, or at least doesn’t interfere with God’s grand plan.

In my mind, the concept of free will is as complex as any in this universe. We are creatures of our own making, shaped by our genetic makeup, environmental factors (including cultural biases), and free thought. It is more likely that identical twins (having genetically identical bodies) growing up in the same basic environment with the same basic influences will grow up to make similar choices, exercising their free will in similar ways. They will not be identical in the choices they make, however, because their experiences of events will not be completely identical. Likewise, two people born on opposite sides of the world, with different cultural backgrounds and different experiences growing up, may lead very similar lives through the exercise of free thought.

How can we be happy?

This is a question that can only be answered by first answering the question, “what is happiness?” and that is one of the hardest (and simplest) questions to answer. It is hard because everyone has a slightly different take on what it means to be happy, yet this is also what makes it easy because it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks of as happiness, your definition of happiness is what you measure your own happiness by.

For me, happiness comes from within and without. Loving and being loved (by my son, the rest of my family, my friends, my partner when I have one) brings me happiness. Success brings me happiness. Knowing that I tried my best, even if I failed, brings me happiness. Knowing I have made the right decision makes me happy. Helping others and making them happy makes me happy.

Whatever your definition of happiness and how you come by it (whether it be faith in a God or Gods, having all that you need, the love of family, or personal success either materially of spiritually), I hope that you have happiness or find happiness in every aspect of your life.

Why can we not live forever?

First of all, I’m not sure I’d like to live forever. What would you do? I mean, eventually you’re going to run out of things to do and people see and places to go. University of Cambridge philosopher Simon Blackburn, in his essay "Religion and Respect," writes, ". . . things do not gain meaning by going on for a very long time, or even forever. Indeed, they lose it. A piece of music, a conversation, even a glance of adoration or a moment of unity have their alloted time. Too much and they become boring. An infinity and they would be intolerable." I’m quite glad we don’t live forever. I know it’s sad when people die, and some people are taken way too soon, but without death there is no birth … no new life, no new thought, no innovation, no progress.

Second of all, it depends on your definition of living forever? Is immortality just physically being present until the end of time or is it something more intangible? English author, Albert Pine once said “What we do for ourselves dies with us. What we do for others and the world remains and is immortal.” We enjoy the works of Shakespeare, Beethoven, Picasso and whole raft of other writers, musicians, artists, etc because their works have spoken to generation after generation. They have, in effect, become immortal. Likewise, we discuss thoughts and ideas expressed by Plato, Copernicus, Churchill and many other philosophers, scientists and politicians even though they have physically died. Chuck Palahniuk perhaps put it best when he said, “We all die. The goal isn’t to live forever, the goal is to create something that will.”

Thirdly, does immortality take into account the eternal soul? If you believe in Heaven and Hell (or some other such resting place for the soul in the afterlife) or in reincarnation or resurrection, then immortality is a certainty.

Scientifically, immortality is the holy grail of medical research. There are several things which impede the establishment of immortality in human beings, one of which is the Hayflick Limit (the point at which a cell can no longer divide because of DNA damage or shortened telomeres). If scientists were able to come up with a solution to the problem of shortened telomeres and the many other variants which contribute to the aging process, we might achieve something akin to true immortality – biological immortality.

There are many ideas doing the rounds of the scientific, pseudo-scientific and science-fiction communities in regards to immortality. Cryogenics (freezing organisms for later revival at a time when a cure for whatever disease they have has been found) is one such idea. Another is Cybernetics (where human body parts are replaced with electronic parts, creating so-called cyborgs) and mind-computer interfaces (where the human consciousness is uploaded to a computer). There is also nanotechnology, with nanorobotics theorist Robert Freitas expounding the proposal that nanotechnology will eventually make the human body effectively self-sustainable and capable of living indefinitely by creating nanobots to go through systems within the human body (such as the bloodstream) to find dangerous things like cancer cells and bacteria, and destroy them.

I am of the opinion that immortality cannot be truly fathomed by the human mind, and that while people may be tempted by the idea of immortality, the actual fact of living for hundreds of thousands of years would soon wear thin. Combine this with the fact that you cannot live longer than the universe (unless you believe in multi-verses and invent a way of travelling between then) then immortality is impossible.

I am quite content to live my life and for it to come to it’s natural conclusion. I am not afraid of death. I do not look forward to dying, but I am not about to seek biological immortality just to avoid it as I would achieve no more in a million years than I would in the one hundred years.

What is the meaning of life?

As far as a dictionary definition goes the meaning of life is: the condition that distinguishes animals and plants from inorganic matter, including the capacity for growth, reproduction, functional activity, and continual change preceding death.

Evolution, as such, has only one purpose: to increase the likelihood of survival. Each individual species or subspecies has little purpose in the grand scheme of things, scientifically, except to exist and to continue from one generation to the next. If we think about humans specifically and look at it from a philosophical point of view, there are many theories as to the purpose or meaning of life.

Plato believed the meaning of life was in attaining the highest form of knowledge. This is the driving force behind the study of science, literature, art and religion. On the other end of the spectrum we find the Nihilists, including the French philosopher Albert Camus, who believed that the world had no extrenal values or meaning and that it was the absurdity of human nature to search for these things. Existentialists remove the meaning of life from the world as a general entity and place the burden of the creation of meaning squarely at the foot of the individual.

As an individual, we can assign any meaning we wish to life, supposing that we believe in the concept of free will, at least to some degree. If we give over the determination of our destiny to a third party, such as God, then we cannot truly know the meaning of our life as it is in the hands of a mind not our own and, therefore, unreadable.

In my personal opinion, the meaning of my life is to be the best person I can be and to create part of the next generation which is better in their lifetime than I am in mine. If I am remembered only by those who know me personally, then so be it, it is not important. The meaning of my life is not to be famous. It is not to solve world peace. It is merely to lead a peaceful existence that leave a positive place for my son (and any other children I might have) to call home. If I achieve that, and nothing else, then I have succeeded in life and my life has been meaningful.

Travelling with Children

If you’re lucky enough to have a child who is a good traveller, like I am, it can be a really rewarding experience to see the world with them. Unfortunately, not everyone is as lucky as I am in this regard. I don’t know what I’d do if I had a child I couldn’t take on holidays. My son has been a traveller from such a young age, maybe he’s just used to it. Whatever it is, I thank my lucky stars for it.

Of course, it’s no always plain sailing. There’s always going to be those restless or bored moments for kids when they travel, especially if it’s a long haul trip. Richard’s first experience with long distance travel was at 9 months when drove the nearly 1000km from Sydney to Melbourne. We’ve also driven from Sydney to the Gold Coast (also nearly 1000km). My advice for long car trips is this:

1. if you can break the one long trip up into a few smaller trips, do it (I found that about 6-8 hours in the car in one day is as much as any toddler can take)
2. take regular breaks for the toilet, stretching the legs, snacks and getting some fresh air (every couple of hours is a good measure, even if it’s just a rest stop where the kids can jump up and down for 5 minutes, even getting the baby out of the car is a good idea; and stop at McDonalds or equivalent fast food joint to give the kids a chance to play on their equipment, you don’t need to buy anything if you don’t want to)
3. keep plenty of water and healthy snacks in the car (celery, carrot sticks, cheese cubes, water biscuits, etc are easy for the kids to feed themselves)
4. invest in a portable DVD player (if your car doesn’t have one built in, I suggest a dual DVD player with headphone jacks so you don’t have to listen to it as well, especially if you have multiple kids with very different tastes so you can have Thomas the Tank Engine playing on one and South Park playing on the other)
5. put together a travel pack with games and colouring in and other activities which can be done in the car or at the hotel/motel as you’re travelling around (include a travel tray or even just a chopping board from them to lean on)
6. set some rules for the trip, especially if you’re travelling with multiple children, such as each child gets to choose one car game and each child gets a specific amount of time to choose what music plays on the car stereo (assuming they don’t have their own iPod/MP3 player or DVD player)

The same basic rules apply to travelling in planes with kids. My son’s first plane trip was a 13 hour trip to South Africa at the age of 4. Luckily, most planes now come with a good selection of children’s entertainment (movies, games, etc) as well as the major airlines providing activity packs for junior fliers. My little flyer was the consummate traveller. He read the safety manual from front to back. He watched the safety demonstration with enthusiasm. He was polite to the flight attendants and didn’t annoy the travellers around him.

Having said that, not all children can cope with being cooped up for that long. If there are other children on the flight, ask their parents if they children can “play” together. For slightly older children, let the choose what they take on as their activities (a favourite book, drawing paper, a handheld computer console such as a PSP). My recommendation is 2 or 3 activities for anything under 6 hours, then one activity for every 3 hours of travel time for any trip over 6 hours. This gives you variety but also makes sure they are things they can put away and come back to.

When you get to your destination, then you have to make sure your child or children are interested in the things you’re going to do. This comes back to planning. You know what your child likes but include them in the decision making process. Find museums that have a children’s section. Look up child friendly activities in the city you’re going to. Make a compromise with your child that if they go to the art gallery with you and don’t complain about it then they can go to the fun park of their choosing.

Most of all, don’t expect your child to be a msall adult while travelling. They are going to get tired. They are going to get bored. They are going to throw the occassional tantrum. Just be aware of your child’s limitations. If you know that at home they can’t sit still for 5 minutes, they are not going to change just because you are in a different city or country.

If you plan on going to a museum or art gallery or something similar while travelling, do a trial run at home. It will give you an indication of their attention span while at a similar venue. You can also talk to the staff at your local venues about the things they suggest for people with children. This is especially good if you are going to a country which speaks a language you are not fluent in as it might be difficult, if not impossible, to get the same information whilst in transit.

Finally, if you are going to be in the same city for a while and are staying in a hotel with a concierge or at least regular reception staff, make friends with them. They usually have a pretty good idea of what’s going on around the place and can give you advice on what is good for children locally if you haven’t been able to find the information on your own. They might also be able to tell you of things that are not in the tourist brochures.

So while my son is a well-travelled little boy, having been to South Africa and Canada before the age of 6, I am going to put in just as much effort when we make our next long haul trip to ensure he is entertained as well as educated and that he enjoys the expierience. It’s important to remember that our children are explorers with us, not just another piece of luggage to tote around.

My main aim for my son is that he has a love of travel, of exploring, of learning. If I can instill that in him, then I have done my job.

The Dream

When I was a young girl I wanted to be an architect. I told my mum that I would design and build her the perfect house. Of course, I changed my mind in high school to sports psychologist. Then changed my mind again at uni to teacher. Then changed it again after the birth of my son to, well, parent.

I’d always wanted to have children of my own. I wanted a small army at one point. As the years wore on I realised that I wasn’t going to have the dozens (slight exaggeration, maybe) of children I had first envisioned but I still wanted lots of them. After the birth of my first I knew it was going to be unrealistic to hope for the tribe of children I had once dreamed of but I held out hope that he would not be my one and only.

In todays society, wanting to be a stay and home mum is somewhat frowned on. To not have an ambition outside of the domestic sphere is viewed as underachieving. I think it’s wrong to think that women need to have a family and a career to be fully satisfied, just as it is wrong to say they should choose one over the other. Personally, I would like to have my primary occupation be parent. I would love to be able to have a job that afforded me the time to spend with my son. Unfortunately, my work is with children and is both in- and out-of-school-hours. It also doesn’t pay well enough for me to be able to only work the in-school-hours shifts. But I do love my job. I love working with the kids. It really is my dream job.

People say to me I should get a real job, become a teacher if I only want to work school hours. I hate the condescension, as if what I do for a living isn’t good enough. Well, I have a real job. Just because I don’t sit behind a desk all the time doesn’t devalue what I do. Would they tell a PE teacher to get a real job? And realistically, what business is it of anyone else what I do for a job?

The other part of my dream, related to wanting children, is the desire to be a wife. Since I was a teenager this idea has been unwavering. The dream that one day I will find someone who loves me enough to want to spend the rest of their life with me is one I have held onto for a long time. People tell me, when I bemoan the fact that I haven’t found that person, that I shouldn’t pin my happiness on another person and that I should make my own happiness. I wonder what they are thinking when they tell me that.

Is it wrong for me to want to love someone and to be loved? Just because I don’t like the fact that I haven’t found the one doesn’t mean I’m not happy with what I have. I love my son. I love my job. I have awesome friends. I go out and enjoy life. There is just a part of me that is empty. I can find happiness in any other part of my life yet I am basically accused of being ungrateful for what I have because I miss the companionship and love of another human being. And those of you who claim that you can replace that love you are missing with the love of friends and children can, quite frankly, go to hell because what’s true for you may not be true for everyone else. In fact, it may not be true for anyone else.

So, one day I will get my dream pay packet and buy my dream house and support my dream family with my dream man. And I know that at least some of you are sitting there thinking, “stop dreaming and get on with life,” so I say this to you … what if no-one dared to dream, where would we be then?

Sex, Love and Depression

PLEASE NOTE BEFORE READING: While this blog does not contain sexually explicit material (sorry, anyone thinking it might) it does contain adult themes and is not advised for readers under the age of 18 except under direct adult supervision. It does contain references to, but not details of, my own sex life so if you’d rather not know, stop reading now. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

I am not going to make this an essay on the moral rights or wrongs of sex. I don’t care what you get up to in the privacy of your own home as long as I’m not there. This isn’t a lecture on premarital sex or the appropriate age at which to start having sex. It is not a recount of past lovers as such, there are no blow by blow descriptions.

This is going to be a study of some of my experiences surrounding sex and love and, hopefully, a window into why I am as screwed up as I am. This also contains information that even my best friends might not know so if they are reading this information for the first time, I’m sorry for not telling you earlier but I probably had my reasons. If you are reading this and I have told you all of this information before, or even most of it, consider yourself extremely trustworthy.

I was an early bloomer physically but a late bloomer in terms of sex, in relation to other people I knew. From the time I was quite young I looked older than I was and many of the experiences I had as a young girl made me very withdrawn and ashamed of how I looked. People expect you to act a certain way when they think you are a certain age. When that age is significantly different from your actual age it can be quite distressing. Being different from everyone else can also be distressing, as can other people’s insensitivity.

An example of when percieved age is not the same as actual age happened when I was about 13. Most people, when they first met me, thought I was at least 16, if not 18. Dad and I went on a weekend snow trip. We were staying at a place which had it’s own pub/restaurant attached. Dad had made friends with a few people who were staying at the same place. On weekends, when it got later, they would have games in the pub. I was a night owl, even back then, and was sitting in the restaurant section with my dad and his mates when one of these games started. The game was “strip musical chairs” in which all the males stood on chairs and the women would walk around the circle until the music stopped, at which point they would remove an item of clothing from the male on the chair they stopped at.

Even at over 30 years of age, I am slightly embarrassed by this game and wouldn’t participate in it except with a group of very close friends so imagine how embarrassed my 13 year old self was when I didn’t just get asked to join in by the blokes we were sitting with, I was literally picked up and carried to the game floor. You would have thought that me saying, “no, I don’t want to” might have been enough. Or perhaps me grabbing hold of a 2x4 pillar for dear life and refusing to let go until my hands were literally pried off it might have been a clue. Luckily for me, after one mortifying round, the guy who was running the game saw how much I clearly didn’t want to be there and asked how old I was. When I told him, he apologised and sent me back to my table quicker than you could say, “under age”.

You might think that this experience would have put me off sex or men, or both. You’d be wrong. In a strange, sick way I was flattered that they thought I was old enough to play the game. It did put me off alcohol for a long time, though. Most of my friends were drinking from the age of about 14 or 15. I didn’t have my first sip of alcohol til I was 17 and it wasn’t until I got to 19 that I really had a big night of drinking. Even today, while I enjoy a few drinks, it doesn’t bother me if I don’t drink and I quite often end up as the designated driver because it gives me a nice excuse not to drink. But I digress …

This experience, and others of a similar nature though perhaps not quite as in your face as that one, influenced me a great deal and all occurred at about the same age. They made me aware of older men looking at me in a different way from the boys my age. What those experiences taught me is that I could use my body. I’m not sure that’s an appropriate thing for a 13 year old to know. It also influenced the kind of man I sought to attract. If the boys my own age weren’t going to pay me any attention then I would just go for the men who would. Some of the men who snuck glances at my cleavage should have known better because they knew how old I was but at the time it rarely occurred to me that it might be inappropriate, which is why we have laws to help protect children from being exposed to adult situations.

When I got to be about 16, the hormones kicked in. For me, this was not good timing. I’m not sure it’s good timing for anyone but especially for me. I wasn’t the prettiest. I wasn’t the brainiest. I wasn’t the best at the sports I played. I wasn’t the funniest. I wasn’t the teacher’s pet either at school or in sports. I wasn’t anything in particular. I wasn’t even very good at being average. I was quiet and reasonably studious while I was on school property, but I was also a bit different from everyone else. Even today I can’t quite put my finger on it but it was there.

The boys that I liked in my teenage years were completely out of my league. They were either a fair few years older than me (as I’ve stated in another post) or they were stunningly good looking. Quite a few fell into both categories. I’m not sure whether any of the guys I knew during my high school years had any interest in me whatsoever because I was always the one that got laughed at or ignored (well, that’s how it felt at the time, I’m not saying that’s actually what happened; it’s all about perception).

In my head, I clearly didn’t have what it took to be girlfriend material. It’s an idea which has stuck with me throughout my life and has been part of the downfall of at least one relationship. I figured all any guy would want from me is sex. Even then, I always imagined that they’d have to be roaring drunk to want that. My friends used to try and set me up with guys. It never worked, usually because the guy they were trying to set me up with had no interest in me whatsoever.

I only recall being asked out once during my entire high school career and I won’t name the person but I’m sure a lot of people reading this might know who it is anyway because the very next day I got asked about it by one of the boys who was merciless in his taunt of me and because in our year 12 year book I got given the rather dubious nickname of “The Terminator”, which I can only assume was a reference to this … maybe someone who knows the story behind it can let me know in a private message someday.

I said no for two very different reasons. The first has to do with what I’ve already said so far: being teased about the way I looked for a good long while at school by certain boys made me think that no-one would be interested in me and the fact that I was being asked out meant that it was surely a practical joke. The idea occurred to me that if I said yes and arranged a “date” with the person on the other end of the phone then when it came to the actual date I would either be stood up or in some other way completely humiliated.

The second reason I said no was that I was terrified of what my mother would say. Her favourite expression in regards to any boy I liked was “they make a nice friend.” It made me think she didn’t want me to date. For many years I thought she would kill me if I did go on a date. I didn’t want to be the “bad” daughter or disappoint her. Even when I finally got my first boyfriend, she used that same expression. Ok, he was a lot older than me and, as it turned out, we were not suited to each other but her saying that only made me want to be with him more, to rebel.

And rebelliousness brings me to my 20s. Sex was my rebellion. I am not ashamed to admit that. Some people drink heavily, get tattoos, have lots of piercings, run away from home. Some people, like myself, sleep around. I’m not proud of my actions in a lot of ways but I won’t be held prisoner by them either. That part of my life is something I have to carry around with me always and it wasn’t all bad. I now have a beautiful son who I wouldn’t give up for the entire universe.

In a way I was making up for lost time. In another way it was my way of telling myself that I was in some way attractive because they wanted to sleep with me. Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t carry on this behaviour for my entire 20s. It was sporadic. I fluctuated wildly between having a lot of partners and having none. I would go a year of sleeping with pretty much any guy with a pulse then 3 years of sleeping with no-one.

During the years when I was with no-one it was not because I chose to be abstinent or anything as lofty as that. It coincided with the most terrible depression that I have ever known. I’m not talking about the “oh poor me” kind of depressed either, I’m talking almost suicidal here. The ironic thing is I was so depressed that I thought that if I did commit suicide no-one would come to my funeral anyway so what was the point of doing it?

If you’re reading this and you knew me then but didn’t realise at the time how bad it was – that’s how good people are at hiding their depression. The down shot of hiding it from the general public is that the people who do see it cop the worst of it because it is a real struggle putting on that happy face to go to university or to work or to anything really. My poor mum must’ve gone though hell with me, not just once but several times, as I spiralled downwards.

Growing up, I had no cognitive connection between love and sex. I still struggle with combining the two. Most of the guys I have had great sex with I haven’t loved. By the same token, most of the guys I’ve loved haven’t been my perfect match sexually. If I ever find someone who can meet both criteria, watch out. For a very long time I didn’t think I deserved to be loved, I didn’t think I was good enough. Those thoughts aren’t easy to shake and I still get that sick feeling in the pit of my stomach that tells me, “you don’t deserve that guy, he’s too good for you, why would he have any interest in you?”

When I was with guys all I would think is that they were just after sex, and most of the time that were true. I would hope and pray that one of them would fall for me. If any guy showed an interest that was more than sexual I would latch onto them like my life depended on it. When they turned out to be just like every other guy it broke my heart and reinforced the idea that I didn’t deserve to be loved.

This was espeically the case when I end up with a married man. I’ve spoken before about this person but I think it’s appropriate to bring them up again. When we first met I had no idea he was married. He showered me with affection. It was more than I had expected and I fell for it, hook, line and sinker. When he told me that he was married I was devestated. I didn’t want to end it with him because I thought I’d never find anyone else but at the same time I knew that I was not his first choice and he’d never leave his wife for me. It broke my heart that he didn’t really love me and it made me think that all I was good for was someone’s seconds.

My need to feel loved meant I didn't vet the guys I dated. I would go out with anyone who asked. This is how I ended up with a stalker. We went out for two weeks. He stalked me for three years. Admittedly, I probably didn't treat him very well in those two weeks. I went from wildly enthusiastic to stone cold. In those two weeks I had realised he wasn't what I was looking for and had somehow found the courage to convince myself I didn't need a guy just for the sake of having one. What I didn't bank on was the lengths he would go to in order to "win" me back. The weekend after we broke up he called me and told me he had cancer. I thought I was the most awful person on earth for breaking up with him but I wasn't going to get back with him just because he was sick. Another week went by and he called again to tell me he'd made it up so I'd get back together with him. I told him I didn't want to hear from him again.

What that experience taught me was that there was a perfect example of the type of male I could hope to attract. That type were the ones who were mentally unstable. It reinforced every idea I had about my own worth in society and especially in regards to my ability to attract a partner.

I tend to fall into the trap of looking for ulterior motives when anyone shows any interest in me. The person must want something in return for being nice, they can’t possibly like me just for me. It shows what an utter lack of trust I have in people, especially men. If I don’t even trust my own parents to keep their word about things then what hope does anyone else have? Why I don’t trust my parents is a whole other story and one that is unlikely to ever get published here but it just goes to show how deep my mistrust of people goes. Like I said at the start of this post, if you’ve heard even part of this information before then you are very trustworthy, in my opinion.

The birth of my son gave me some purpose in life. I stopped having suicidal thoughts (I still get depressed and angry at myself but nowhere near as badly as I used to). I also managed to hold down a job. What having a child did not do is stop those thoughts of inadequacy. Any guy I have dated can tesify to that. Anyone who knows me can probably testify to that. Even people I’ve just met can probably testify to that. The thoughts did not stop, they merely altered to take into account the new situation.

I still have a lot of doubts about myself. I am slowly learning to overcome them. I don’t know that I will ever truly get rid of all of them but I can maybe outweigh them given time. One of my new year’s resolution for 2011 was to be less self-depreciating. It’s not about lying to myself and saying I’m wonderful when I’m not. It’s about being realistic and accepting that while I do have flaws, they probably aren’t as catastrophic as I think they are. I’m not sure that I’m being entirely successful in this resolution, but like all resolutions it is a work in progress.

My advice to anyone who has made it this far through this post is simple. Do not confuse sex with love and do not think that because the opposite sex don’t seem interested that you’re not beautiful. Everyone is beautiful in their own way and everyone deserves to hear it once in a while. The whole reason I am writing this post is because a new friend of mine called me beautiful and I didn’t believe him because I really hadn’t heard it from anyone.

If there are any teens who did read this, let me say this to you: the time you have now, while formative, is not your entire life. Take the best things you can from it and build on that. Throw the negativity away. Find someone you do trust to talk to and remember, sometimes it’s easier to open up to a complete stranger than it is a loved one and there is no shame in seeking outside guidance. I just wish I had’ve had the courage to take the help I was offered when I was younger.

Sex can be fun but it’s not something you should give out like lollies. If a person truly loves you they will wait until you are ready. Don’t be in a rush to step out of your childhood because you’re a long time an adult and once you’re there, there’s no going back.