First Date

Being single for most of my life, I've had my share of first dates. Most of them have been disastrous. I rarely go on second dates. So, what was wrong with them? Where do I start? But this piece isn't about the terrible, awful first dates. It's about the good one. The only one that's actually worked. And why I am stuck in this terrible holding pattern because of Covid-19.

Let's talk about what makes a good first date. Male or female, these same tips apply.

1. Turning up on time.

I don't even wear a watch and am notoriously punctual. In fact, I am often early, which isn't always great, but it's better than being late. Now, I'm not talking about being a minute or two late. I'm talking about anything more than 5 minutes. If you're going to be late, let the person know. In the modern age you have zero excuses for not letting the other person know. Whether it's a phone call or a text or a facebook/twitter/kik/whatever-other-social-media-platform-you-have-been-talking-through message, it's easy enough to do.

When you turn up on time (or at least let the other person know you're running late) it tells the person you're meeting that you value their time, not just your own. It shows consideration. And it means you're able to prioritise.

2. Listening to the other person.

Listen is a great skill to have in life. It will get you a lot further than not listening. But just listening isn't where it ends. You have to actively listen. What's the difference? When you just listen, you take in the information, possibly store it for later. Active listening is where you engage with what the person is saying.

How do you engage? By asking questions, by recounting related stories of your own, by discussing ideas their topic has brought up. It's not talking over the top of them, or just sitting there saying, "uh-huh" or some other meaningless utterance.

3. Be polite.

This doesn't mean you have to agree with everything they say, but it does mean showing a bit of respect when they do say something you disagree with. It also means, be polite to others around you. Don't talk down to the wait staff. Don't abuse another customer who bumps into you. And don't be loud to the point of domineering so that others, including your date, can't enjoy their meal.

4. Offer to pay for the meal.

I don't care if you're a man or a woman, offer to at least pay for your share of the meal. It's up to the person who arranged the date to accept or refuse your offer. If it's gone really well, and you think there's a strong possibility of a second date, think about offering to pay for the next one if they refuse your offer and pay for the first themselves.

If you're not going to offer because you can't afford it, don't order something expensive. Order as if you were paying for it because at the end of the meal, they might just turn around and expect you to pay anyway.

5. Don't expect anything.

It's the first date. Even if you've hooked up through Tinder and they're flirting the whole way through the meal. Both parties have the right to say, "ok, I've had enough" and walk away. You don't have the right to expect anything - not a hug, not a kiss, and definitely not going back to whichever place for whatever you're lucky enough to get.

Also, don't expect that they are exactly the same in real life as they are online (if that's where you met them) because hardly anyone is. Personally, I'm far more talkative online and tend to be more reserved in real life. I've discussed this in other blog pieces, so feel free to trawl through them if you're interested. They might be a bit shorter, or taller, than you expected. They might be thinner or fatter than you expected. They might dress in a way you didn't expect.

In the end, what someone looks like shouldn't matter, but everyone has their limits. If someone turns up that looks nothing like their photo because it's 20 years or 50kg out of date, you can accept it and enjoy the date with the person who showed up or you can be polite and excuse yourself.

6. Expect the unexpected.

Yes, this is in complete opposition to the previous item. Yes, it does make it confusing. That's life. Deal with it. What this means is really pretty simple - be prepared.

Not expecting to pay for your meal - take your wallet anyway. There's nothing worse than hearing your date say, "oh, I've forgotten my wallet" so don't be that person, especially if it's going well, because it's not a good sign and probably won't get you a second date.

Not expecting to have sex - take contraception anyway. Ladies, if you're on the pill, make sure you've been taking it regularly, there's usually a 7 day stretch when you've missed one or when you first start taking one where the likelihood of the pill not working is increased. Gents, not every woman who says she's on the pill is actually on the pill, or is taking it correctly. Both women and men should have condoms with them, just in case.

Not expecting to drinking - have a taxi/uber/ride share account set up, or know the bus/train timetable. If you drive to the location, either don't drink or give the bar staff your keys.

7. Don't turn up wasted.

Whether that's through drink or drugs, it's a bad first move. Your mates might encourage you to have some Dutch courage, but overdoing it is not the way to go. There's not really a lot to say about that one - just don't do it!

8. Be yourself.

It's really hard to keep up a persona for a long period of time. Eventually, your date is going to find out, whether that's on the date, in a months time or after a year. It's not fair on the person your dating to lie to them about who you are. You want someone to fall for you, not some version of you that doesn't exist in the real world. If you're a geek, own it! Do not be afraid to be unashamedly passionate about something. Not everyone shares the same passions but that doesn't necessarily make a bad date.

9. Remember something about your date.

If you've only met briefly, or met online, try to remember something that they're interested in, and that you want to learn more about. It gives you common ground, and shows that you are interested in them. There's nothing, I don't think, more flattering than being remembered. So if they've mentioned they like tropical fish and you've been to the Great Barrier Reef, saying, "I remember you saying you like tropical fish" gives you a good in to not only talk about something you have first hand knowledge of but is something that you can share.

10. Don't bring guests.

Unless you're on a date for swingers, turning up to a date with extras is never a good idea. If you're nervous and want your friend to be nearby, that's fine IF THEY'RE AT ANOTHER TABLE ACROSS THE ROOM. It is unacceptable for you to bring your friend on the actual date. Anyone who follows me on twitter will know the story of the date I had where the guy had not one but two guests with him - his brother and his friend. It did not end well for him.

So what does make the perfect first date? Whatever you want it to be. The above is just my advice. It's not the law. It's not a guarantee. For me, the perfect first date was one where the guy showed up on time, he was polite and respectful, he listened and he asked questions. We had coffee in the park on his lunch break. It wasn't fancy, it wasn't long. It was an icebreaker. Yes, there were a few awkward silences. We had a laugh about them. We didn't kiss 'til our second date. We'd been seeing each other nearly a month before we slept together.

It hasn't been easy. We've had our ups and downs, our moments where we wondered if it would work out at all. But without that first date, none of the rest of it would have happened. You have to take chances in life. Sometimes things work out, sometimes they don't, but if you don't try you'll never know what might have been. It took me far longer than it should have to work that out, so if you're young and reading this please take my advice and don't be afraid to ask.

Remember, the longest journeys start with a first step ...