In my profession I deal with a lot of children. Most of them are pretty good. They listen, they follow instructions and they are polite. They can also be loud, annoying and confrontational. They are normal children. They have good and bad days, just like everyone else. If you’re lucky and know what you’re doing then the good days outnumber the bad days.
In my profession I also deal with a few spoilt children and a few children who never hear the word “no” from their parents. Some of them have a Nanny who enforces some sort of discipline. Many of them have little real discipline at all. I had one child who would cry everytime I said that they couldn’t have something or do something. After a whole lesson of this I knew that something had to be done if the child came back. The child did come back and before the lesson even started I took the child aside and said to them that I wouldn’t tolerate them crying everytime they heard me say “no.” I also explained to the child the reasons why I say no (usually safety or time constraints). Some people will say that children can’t be reasoned with. I think it depends on the child. Some children can be and I was lucky that this child could be. I also think it comes down to how you reason with the child. Giving them owner ship of their actions is, I feel, very important.
Of course, discipline isn’t always about saying “no.” There has to be a positive reinforcement of desirable behaviours. There also has to be an understanding by the child of the consequences of their actions. There is no point punishing a child for doing something they shouldn’t have if they didn’t know they weren’t allowed to do it. Setting clear rules is important. Depending on the age of the children, the simpler the better.
For under 5s, the basics are:
- No hitting, kicking or biting
- Stay with the group
- Ask to get a drink or go to the toilet
- Listen to the instructor
For children who are at school most of the basic social rules should have been dealt with at school. The ones I most often need to emphasise are:
- Keep your hands to yourself
- Wait your turn / No pushing in
Of course, these are my rules for work but the same basic rules apply at home. My son knows there are rules and knows that there are consequences if he breaks the rules. He sometimes forgets the rules. He sometimes tries to get around the rules. In the end, he’s a child, he’s pushing boundaries. He wants to find out which are all the time rules and which are sometimes rules.
An all the time rule is one which applies no matter where you are, no matter who you’re with. For our household these include “no hurting” (hitting, kicking, biting, pinching, etc) and “manners” (please, thank you, excuse me, sorry, etc). Bubba is pretty good with those.
A sometimes rule is one which doesn’t always apply. It might have to do with the volume of speech or the speed of movement in different places. For example, at the park Bubba can be noisy and run around but in a restaurant he has to be quiet and sit down. It might also be a rule that is in place for a fixed period of time. Staying out of the kitchen while someone is cooking is one. Playing quietly while someone has a headache is another.
There are several strategies for dealing with behaviour problems that I have found to work. From a young age, since he understood the concept of numbers, he learnt that he had 5 seconds to stop doing whatever I didn’t want him to do. If I counted from 5 to 1 he was in trouble. If he stopped before I got to 1 then he’d just get the lecture about not doing it.
I also use the three strikes rule. It’s pretty simple. If Bubba does the same thing wrong 3 times in the one day then the big punishments get wheeled out. An example from a couple of weeks ago was Bubba was told not to jump off the arm of the lounge chair and when he did so I told him off. A while (maybe 2 hours) later he did it again. He got told off and timed out for a minute and told that if he did it again he’d have to pack away all his toys. After the time out he went back to playing for an hour or so, then jumped off the arm of the chair again. He got told off, time out for 5 minutes then I made him pack up his toys.
Time out is a tricky punishment to master. I was once told that the time out should only be as long as the child is old, so if the child is 3 years old then the time out should only be 3 minutes. It’s not a bad rule but I’ve never met a child under the age of four who has any concept of time when they are angry or annoyed. Time out also only works if the time out place is not somewhere they enjoy being. When Bubba was younger I used his step stool for going to the toilet and he had to sit facing the front door. It meant that is wasn’t all that comfortable and there was nothing to keep him entertained.
The child also has to know that the time out will finish. Telling them to go to time out for 2 minutes tells them that the punishment will end but it’s important that they know that it is a straight 2 minnutes. If, after 1.5 minutes they get up and wander off, the time must start again.
The important thing to remember about discipline is follow through. If you set a consequence then you have to be prepared to make it a reality should the need arise. Threatening to give their toys to charity only works so long as they believe you will actually do it and once that belief is gone it’s near on impossible to get it back, and it becomes increasingly hard to set consequences that they will believe. It’s a bit like Maxwell Smart saying to the KAOS Agents that he has an army of Control Agents surrounding their hideout, then saying “would you believe a well trained poodle?” when they don’t believe him.
As I said at the beginning, positive reinforcement of desirable behaviours is always a good option. Some people think it’s bribery. Personally, there’s nothing wrong with bribery as long as it’s not routine and not expected. Rewarding a child with love, praise and affection is a far better method than sweets and toys.
The hardest thing to do where discipline is concerned is to be the disciplinarian in the face of other parents who don’t discipline their child to your standard. Young children apply the “monkey see, monkey do” philosophy to their actions. If the rest of the children are throwing sand then your precious angel will probably also throw sand. You can’t let the inaction of other parents stop you from disciplining your child. Some of the other parents may not have noticed and will be glad you said something. Some of them won’t care. Some will think you’re over-reacting. Their reaction makes no difference to what you should do. If you think it needs disciplining then do it.
It is hard for the child who gets disciplined when none of the other children do. One way you can minimise this feeling is to tell the whole group not to do it. I use this technique a lot at work. Rather than isolate one child (especially if they are new to the class), I tell the whole group not to do it; however, if they continue to do the undesirable behaviour then individual attention is required. This can work in social situations as well. I have quite often reminded my friends children of the correct way to behave. It doesn’t always work but your child won’t feel like they are being picked on, at least by you.
The last word to be said on discipline is that it’s important for children to understand the “my house, my rules” concept. This is very important to me at work as the children have to understand that, while they may be allowed to run around and wreak havoc at home, while they are with me in my “house” they have to follow my rules. The same applies to my son when he goes to other peoples houses or to the shops or wherever really. For example, I have a rule that bubba is allowed to play with a small football inside as long as he keeps it below the height of his own knee. Other people may have a “no balls inside the house” rule. I can’t tell him the rules for every single persons house but I can give him the understanding that different people have different rules.
In the end, everyone finds their own disciplinary style and if it works for you and your child, then that’s awesome news. Don’t allow other people to dictate to you how you should and shouldn’t use discipline, even me, but do allow them to offer advice. The more information you have to work with the better it is, even though it may seem that every piece of advice you get contradicts every other piece. If you find that your style isn’t working then try to work out what specifically isn’t working, why it isn’t working and how you can change it. Remember, changing your mind is not a sign of weakness but a sign of growth.
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